Sometimes I can't help but feel that I'm being left behind.I'm running the race of life but I'm coming in behind everyone else.I've got the good runners but they're getting me nowhere,I look the part but I still can't win.Good things are happening,the path is smooth but the I hit a sharp corner,my optimism doesn't expect it and I'm down with a crash.
I don't want to be the red faced friend that rubs you on the back when you're upset but have to sit by myself when I am.I don't want to smile and sort everything out so that you can progress but know that I'll never change.I don't want to be the one who's painfully shy and sits and watches while you wrap yourself around any guy you can find.I don't want to be like that either but I don't want to sit like a wall flower in the corner,a decoration with little to give.That's what it feels like,I'm there to be looked at but nothing more.I don't want to be the joker but never the friend.I don't want to just be funny,I want to be cool.I don't want to be the lyrics,I want to be the song.I want to be pretty,not just have pretty clothes.I want to escape but something's holding me back.I want to be your friend not your rucksack,why can't you carry your own crap?!
I want to feel important,not just like every other person.I want you to run with me not miles ahead because you know I won't mind.Coming last is fine,I'll joke it off,I always do.Failing is inevitable in life,right?Everyone knows that?!I say that but sometimes I have to work hard to convince myself that it's true.
I want to surf like nobody has before,find my thing that nobody can take me down on.I wanna be great at something that's not teaching or telling people they're fantastic or writing peoples essays for which I don't get the credit.I wanna find that thing right now.I want to excel and be the one at the front of the race.
I want to be more than just the super milk that hangs in the back of the fridge.I want people to realise that nobody can have everything.It's okay to have compassion but not confidence,it's okay to love McFly and not Bon Iver.It's okay to smell like Eternity and not Chanel and it's okay to prefer John to Edward,it's okay to want to stay home and not go out.It's okay to not mind being by yourself and it's okay to go for a walk in a dress.It's okay to be the mature one sometimes and it's okay to have made mistakes,that's what I tell myself anyway?!
I want to surprise people in some way,I don't want them to become complacent with the way I am.Mostly, I wish I didn't feel that I needed people's approval.I wish I didn't care what they thought.I wish I was just running the race for fun not for competition.I wish I could say all these things to you and explain how you've upset me but I know I'd stutter.I can write for hours and I never forget where I'm going.I know I will win this race some day,when it's my time I've just gotta keep training.
Monday 25 June 2012
Tuesday 12 June 2012
Switchfoot
It's crazy how things change so much.In a good way!Without me even realising it,it is already the 12th of June.The 12th of June!!For years this was such a significant date for me,one I would always remember,even when doing my leaving.There's nothing hugely special about it but it marked a time in my life and a point in someone else's too.We can look back and laugh at it now,seemed so serious at the time.It seemed like the decisions I made when I was 16 were going to change my life forever,that the things I said were going to be so influential.Looking back now,I realise,it didn't even matter.
It's so reassuring that things can change so drastically.People move on and you realise you can live through what you thought was a broken heart.I just laugh about it now.
It gives me so much hope that I can get through this awful phase.I can tackle anything.I thought I'd never get over that particular stumbling block and I really did,I left it all behind!
So,life,whatever you have to throw at me,bring it!!
It's so reassuring that things can change so drastically.People move on and you realise you can live through what you thought was a broken heart.I just laugh about it now.
It gives me so much hope that I can get through this awful phase.I can tackle anything.I thought I'd never get over that particular stumbling block and I really did,I left it all behind!
So,life,whatever you have to throw at me,bring it!!
Monday 11 June 2012
Rich Tea
It's that dry feeling in my mouth.That anxious butterfly feeling in my tummy.That up-turned lip when I look in the mirror.That empty hand when I walk down the road.It's that feeling watching movies by myself and not talking to you the whole way through.It's that frustration that makes me run on the treadmill when I won't even run to catch the bus.
It's that heart pumping feeling I get when you brush against my arm,taken away.It's that mystery in your eyes that tells me it's okay-gone.It's your stupid shoes that I pretend to like,I've realised I actually kinda do.I can never admit it though,not to your face anyway,not now anyway.I'm like a carton of Ribena with all the juice sucked out.I'm like a rich tea biscuit,plain and boring without you.
I miss your constant chatting and the way you say anything just to get me to talk.I miss our awkward hugs and the way I never know what to do.I miss that you're not a part of my life anymore.I miss our collective indecision and the way you always say Ladies first.I miss the way you hate my music but pretend you don't mind just to be polite.I miss sharing my dreams and aspirations with you,even though we both know they're so far fetched.
I miss sitting with you for hours on end,just because we can.I miss how I felt the need to look away when you leaned in towards me and the way you walked close behind me.I miss the weird things you eat and the clothes you wear that are too cool for me.
I miss that I could tell you everything.I miss that even when I was freezing you would never share your hoody and the way it would annoy me that you could be so selfish.I miss getting annoyed at you over the stupid things you do.I miss how you scrunched up your nose and said nothing when I suggested something silly.I miss how it was so unlikely that we became friends to start with.
It's that warm feeling when I see you smile-gone.It's that fuzzy feeling in my tummy,no more.It's that extra 5 mins getting ready in the morning,I now spend asleep in bed.It's knowing that you're still my best friend and I'm not yours and that sinking feeling I get.It's not bothering to charge up my phone because I know I won't hear from you.It's the longing I have for a bottle of coke,but I'm allergic to caffeine.It's my favourite navy cardigan that went missing,now I've nothing to wear with loads of my dresses,having you by my side is my favourite look.Nothing makes me feel more confident than when you're there.
It's that heart pumping feeling I get when you brush against my arm,taken away.It's that mystery in your eyes that tells me it's okay-gone.It's your stupid shoes that I pretend to like,I've realised I actually kinda do.I can never admit it though,not to your face anyway,not now anyway.I'm like a carton of Ribena with all the juice sucked out.I'm like a rich tea biscuit,plain and boring without you.
I miss your constant chatting and the way you say anything just to get me to talk.I miss our awkward hugs and the way I never know what to do.I miss that you're not a part of my life anymore.I miss our collective indecision and the way you always say Ladies first.I miss the way you hate my music but pretend you don't mind just to be polite.I miss sharing my dreams and aspirations with you,even though we both know they're so far fetched.
I miss sitting with you for hours on end,just because we can.I miss how I felt the need to look away when you leaned in towards me and the way you walked close behind me.I miss the weird things you eat and the clothes you wear that are too cool for me.
I miss that I could tell you everything.I miss that even when I was freezing you would never share your hoody and the way it would annoy me that you could be so selfish.I miss getting annoyed at you over the stupid things you do.I miss how you scrunched up your nose and said nothing when I suggested something silly.I miss how it was so unlikely that we became friends to start with.
It's that warm feeling when I see you smile-gone.It's that fuzzy feeling in my tummy,no more.It's that extra 5 mins getting ready in the morning,I now spend asleep in bed.It's knowing that you're still my best friend and I'm not yours and that sinking feeling I get.It's not bothering to charge up my phone because I know I won't hear from you.It's the longing I have for a bottle of coke,but I'm allergic to caffeine.It's my favourite navy cardigan that went missing,now I've nothing to wear with loads of my dresses,having you by my side is my favourite look.Nothing makes me feel more confident than when you're there.
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