Ketchup

The pigeon lolloped along the platform,like Tich Miller in that Junior cert poem.It hobbled with difficulty,one foot and one stump.It flew and it stoped,flew and stopped.Wind blew and trains past.

The wind howled and my hair moved with it.My scarf hit my face and my teeth chattered.You handed me one of your gloves and we continued to walk,arm in arm,we were just friends.

I put up my hand and said what I thought.Plucked up the courage and backed up my point.

It lolloped along.Struggled to move.Stopped for a break and cooed and cooed.

With one glove each,we were content.The definition of best friends.You grabbed my cold hand and I grabbed yours we walked along and it felt normal.

You're wrong!I said,or that's what it amounted to.Unethical.Immoral.It makes me angry!

The pigeon sat down on the bench beside me,timid and shy but I reached out to stroke it,

'Be quiet' you said,'it doesn't matter'.'Let me do the talking,just stand there and look nice'

"I'm sorry,this may sound silly' I said 'but I strongly disagree'

The pigeon just sat there and I gently stroked it's feathers,cooeing.A friend in a sense though I never admit it

you walked away angry,your face shone red.'I'm your friend not your girlfriend' was all I had said.When you finally calmed down and you pulled me in close,I never wanted it to end wanted you to always protect me.

'you see,for me,my beliefs they amount to more than that.I can't just sit back and watch things happen.We need action and change and we need it now!'

Now I never see the pigeon,I don't save it some lunch.I never carried it home with me.Trains and pigeons don't go so well together.

You were like my big brother and I miss wearing your gloves and you hoodies and jackets.Mostly I miss you!Believe it or not!I miss how you stink of smoke and our 'hugs and chats'.I can't be the same with anyone else and I hope you realise that I do care.

I continue to argue,fight for what I believe.It's all thanks to you you know,you brought me out of my shell.I miss the Pigeon and tell myself it's gone on holidays.Like you it's dissapeared,never to be seen!I miss you I do but I'm so greatful,It's only a year later that I'm realising how much I have to thank you for.Before I was like the pigeon who 'lolloped' around aimlessly.Now I'm sure of myself and what I want to say.

I hope some day we can be friends again and I hope you'll come back,I hope I find another pigeon friend and I hope I never stop disagreeing with my lecturer.

If you read this,love you Ed! x

I've taken a break from this recently but for anyone who's been asking,don't worry,I'll be back soon!!

Cabbage

The sun peeked through the window and the heat of the room felt heavy on my shoulders.I looked to the table and chopped the cabbage in front of me.Voices spoke quickly in a language I didn't understand.They raced around the room,laughs,screams,whispers.For the first time in my life I felt deaf.I could see what was happening around me but couldn't get involved.I was on the edge in a way that was a distant memory.Like a timid first year in the school corridor.I inputted nothing.I feared conforontation.Feared the unfamiliar.I just chopped the cabbage.I smiled occassionally at the young boy across from me,he smiled back but it was forced.I wondered what I was doing here.I had people with me but I felt so alone.I wondered what had become of me.I could only think about my own fear.

Chop chop chop.The wooden board rattled as the knife hit down on top of it.Romanians love cabbage and they eat it 'til there's none left.7 more awaited me but with relief I continued to chop.It was familiar,I didn't need to worry.My head filled me thought, I focused on what I had to do but couldn't help thinking of the brokeness that surrounded me.The room was full of people who were hurt,lonely,abandoned and misunderstood.The faces that surrounded me smiled but inside they were falling apart,chopped to pieces like the cabbage.They wanted a friend,someone who could help them.I doubted I was that person but I wanted so badly to be.I wanted to be the friend they were longing,the shoulder they could cry on and the adult they could confide in.Chop chop chop,many cabbages later,I was just that.I had become a part of their lives.The smiles were no longer forced and the friendships were sincere.We walked down the street hand in hand and I knew they never wanted to let go.When I tried to leave the gates three weeks later they clutched onto my waist and squeezed onto my arms.I was leaving and abandoning the role I had found.

I reached for the onion and smiled again at the young boy.He handed me a smaller knife,this time the smile not forced.I fanned my face with the closest sheet of paper and embarked on the task at hand.Chop chop chop.Water streamed from my eyes and the children laughed.Little did I know that in three weeks time they would stream in the same way but for a different reason.As I left the gates a hand grabbed onto mine,'please come back'she whispered to me.'I'll do my best'I responded,I hate having to break promises.'That's what everyone says'she cried and the tears began to stream from her face,nothing to do with the onion but from my own abandonment.

I pulled my suitcase to the car and a line of my new found friends followed behind me.They helped me lift the bags in and hugged me so that I wouldn't leave,I had to.Tears rolled down my face uncontrollably,I covered it with a smile but I could only fool myself.My layers had been stripped away and I was vulnerable.My feelings were on show and I didn't like it.The moment I had waited three weeks for was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I reluctantly closed the door of the car.Hands grabbed me through the open window.We moved and it was from then on I realised that there is nothing like the sincerity that I found in that place.Those friendships had shaped me in a way I will probably never be able to comprehend.

Fast forward 1 week from that point.I am sitting at a kitchen table.Sat across from me is a boy who was once young.I smile at him but his smile is forced.We were once good friends but there was something that tore us apart.Surrounding me are people of different backgrounds and different careers.They are all broken but in a different way.They are talking but I'm not getting involved.Their conversations are shallow and I can't help but get annoyed.Why am I here?Why am I back?How can I ever adjust back into this shallow society?Why does it matter  what man you have on your arm or what course you study in college?All I can think of is those children that I've left behind and the uncertain future that they face.I'll be fine,I have a family and friends and a potential career but they have no certainty.What am I doing here?What role do I have to play?Will I just settle back in and forget all I've learned?

In Romania I left behind 20 of the most inspiring people I have ever met.You taught me how to really love and love like Jesus did.You taught me to move away from my selfish ways and so much more that I probably havn't realised yet.I hope that I will never forget you and never give in to the shallow existance that I once lived.I hope to see you all again!

Nomi <3

Open your eyes

I can't talk in case my tongue falls out,I can't look in case you catch me.I can't think because you've clouded my mind and I can't sleep because cheesy as it is you fill my dreams.

You put a smile on my face,make my tummy feel like I've drank too much 7up.You make me concentrate on how to breath because I'm so focused on you I forget.

You make me feel like I'm 16 again,make me cringe.I can't compose myself when I'm near you.You make me do that stupid dance and you wrap your arms around me without asking.I smile and say little but on the inside I'm beaming. Your so talented and just looking at you fills me with happiness.Your fuzzy hair is soft like mine.You let me ruffle it and you never send me away.You wear silly shorts but I don't care.You wear your heart on your sleeve and draw them in the sand.You call me by name and look into my eyes when you speak. You make me happy and I'm dreading your departure.I want to tell you how I feel but I can't.I'm scared and the thought changes that 7up feeling to one of pain,like I've eaten too much pasta.I want to say it but I can't. I know you won't read this but if you ever do I want you to know you're a wonderful person!When I say little it's because I'm scared you won't like what I say.When I look at the ground and talk its because I'm afraid.Afraid of rejection again.I'm afraid you won't like me.I'm afraid you won't wrap your arms around me and you won't be interested in what I say. So,although I'll never say it I want you to know,you're the cardigan to my dress,the cherry to my bake well,the Florence to the Machine and the snow to Patrol.I know you love them and your music taste is better than mine.I know I won't forget about you but fear you might forget about me.Fb friends forever?Perhaps.I want to see you again though.Ultimately,you make me light up in a way you couldn't imagine! Xx

Sugar Lumps

Sometimes I can't help but feel that I'm being left behind.I'm running the race of life but I'm coming in behind everyone else.I've got the good runners but they're getting me nowhere,I look the part but I still can't win.Good things are happening,the path is smooth but the I hit a sharp corner,my optimism doesn't expect it and I'm down with a crash.

I don't want to be the red faced friend that rubs you on the back when you're upset but have to sit by myself when I am.I don't want to smile and sort everything out so that you can progress but know that I'll never change.I don't want to be the one who's painfully shy and sits and watches while you wrap yourself around any guy you can find.I don't want to be like that either but I don't want to sit like a wall flower in the corner,a decoration with little to give.That's what it feels like,I'm there to be looked at but nothing more.I don't want to be the joker but never the friend.I don't want to just be funny,I want to be cool.I don't want to be the lyrics,I want to be the song.I want to be pretty,not just have pretty clothes.I want to escape but something's holding me back.I want to be your friend not your rucksack,why can't you carry your own crap?!

I want to feel important,not just like every other person.I want you to run with me not miles ahead because you know I won't mind.Coming last is fine,I'll joke it off,I always do.Failing is inevitable in life,right?Everyone knows that?!I say that but sometimes I have to work hard to convince myself that it's true.

I want to surf like nobody has before,find my thing that nobody can take me down on.I wanna be great at something that's not teaching or telling people they're fantastic or writing peoples essays for which I don't get the credit.I wanna find that thing right now.I want to excel and be the one at the front of the race.

I want to be more than just the super milk that hangs in the back of the fridge.I want people to realise that nobody can have everything.It's okay to have compassion but not confidence,it's okay to love McFly and not Bon Iver.It's okay to smell like Eternity and not Chanel and it's okay to prefer John to Edward,it's okay to want to stay home and not go out.It's okay to not mind being by yourself and it's okay to go for a walk in a dress.It's okay to be the mature one sometimes and it's okay to have made mistakes,that's what I tell myself anyway?!

I want to surprise people in some way,I don't want them to become complacent with the way I am.Mostly, I wish I didn't feel that I needed people's approval.I wish I didn't care what they thought.I wish I was just running the race for fun not for competition.I wish I could say all these things to you and explain how you've upset me but I know I'd stutter.I can write for hours and I never forget where I'm going.I know I will win this race some day,when it's my time I've just gotta keep training.

Switchfoot

It's crazy how things change so much.In a good way!Without me even realising it,it is already the 12th of June.The 12th of June!!For years this was such a significant date for me,one I would always remember,even when doing my leaving.There's nothing hugely special about it but it marked a time in my life and a point in someone else's too.We can look back and laugh at it now,seemed so serious at the time.It seemed like the decisions I made when I was 16 were going to change my life forever,that the things I said were going to be so influential.Looking back now,I realise,it didn't even matter.


It's so reassuring that things can change so drastically.People move on and you realise you can live through what you thought was a broken heart.I just laugh about it now.


It gives me so much hope that I can get through this awful phase.I can tackle anything.I thought I'd never get over that particular stumbling block and I really did,I left it all behind!


So,life,whatever you have to throw at me,bring it!!

Rich Tea

It's that dry feeling in my mouth.That anxious butterfly feeling in my tummy.That up-turned lip when I look in the mirror.That empty hand when I walk down the road.It's that feeling watching movies by myself and not talking to you the whole way through.It's that frustration that makes me run on the treadmill when I won't even run to catch the bus.

It's that heart pumping feeling I get when you brush against my arm,taken away.It's that mystery in your eyes that tells me it's okay-gone.It's your stupid shoes that I pretend to like,I've realised I actually kinda do.I can never admit it though,not to your face anyway,not now anyway.I'm like a carton of Ribena with all the juice sucked out.I'm like a rich tea biscuit,plain and boring without you.

I miss your constant chatting and the way you say anything just to get me to talk.I miss our awkward hugs and the way I never know what to do.I miss that you're not a part of my life anymore.I miss our collective indecision and the way you always say Ladies first.I miss the way you hate my music but pretend you don't mind just to be polite.I miss sharing my dreams and aspirations with you,even though we both know they're so far fetched.

I miss sitting with you for hours on end,just because we can.I miss how I felt the need to look away when you leaned in towards me and the way you walked close behind me.I miss the weird things you eat and the clothes you wear that are too cool for me.

I miss that I could tell you everything.I miss that even when I was freezing you would never share your hoody and the way it would annoy me that you could be so selfish.I miss getting annoyed at you over the stupid things you do.I miss how you scrunched up your nose and said nothing when I suggested something silly.I miss how it was so unlikely that we became friends to start with.

It's that warm feeling when I see you smile-gone.It's that fuzzy feeling in my tummy,no more.It's that extra 5 mins getting ready in the morning,I now spend asleep in bed.It's knowing that you're still my best friend and I'm not yours and that sinking feeling I get.It's not bothering to charge up my phone because I know I won't hear from you.It's the longing I have for a bottle of coke,but I'm allergic to caffeine.It's my favourite navy cardigan that went missing,now I've nothing to wear with loads of my dresses,having you by my side is my favourite look.Nothing makes me feel more confident than when you're there.

84x

'Good things come to those who wait!'-yeah,that's true,but why do some people have to wait so long?I've had a pretty rough week in terms of dissapointments,usually I take them on the chin but last night I decided I'd had enough.Sometimes you've gotta just cry it out as stupid as it feels.It's okay to show that you're not a robot even when some people think you are.


I kinda feel like I've been waiting for a long time,sitting on a hard bench at a bus stop.Buses pass me by but it's never the one I want.I've got on a few of the wrong ones but before too long I'm back at the bench.I have my own little timetable,I've picked out which bus I want to come and what time I want it to come at but life doesn't work like that.I want my bus to be pink and green and flowery and full of nice people that I can chat to.I want it to come as soon as I've sat down on the bench.I've been sitting here a long time but the buses that have passed are blue and boring,they aren't going where I want to go.Sometimes a bus will stop and I'll think about getting on but spend too long trying to rummage together the funds,so long that I've missed it.It's gone and it doesn't come back.I'm patient but I don't like waiting in the rain.It's easy to sit in the sun when other good things are happening,you don't mind if the bus is a bit delayed.This week I feel like I'm sitting in the hail stones at my country bus stop,they keep pounding down on me but the bus never comes.They make my clothes damp and there is no sun to dry them off,nothing to cheer me up.


'Your life hasn't been treating you too well'-that's what my mum says.She's right but it's out of my control.I told her I feel like I'm waiting and she says I'll just have to wait a bit longer.


What am I even waiting for?A job,a licence,an answer,an escape?Do I even need all of these things?I'm waiting in the rain but maybe if I walked back home I'd see that I have everything I need?These things are what I want,what my heart is telling me I need.Should I just listen to my head instead?


I'm so grateful for the opportunities that have come my way and I know more will come soon.I have the greatest friends I could ever ask for and I know they don't care how much of an idiot I look sitting at the bus stop for hours on end.Most of them get that I'm stubborn enough not to give up.


I worry that people will become so accustomed with me never reaching my full potential.Will take for granted that I will never leave the bus stop.People will stop asking my plans because they know they will never happen.People will drive past and think that I will always be there.I worry that they won't admire my optimism but instead take me for a fool.I don't want that, I want them to know that I know God is at the bus terminus and he will send my pink flowery one when he is ready.It'll be an express one and will only stop where I need it to.It might take me somewhere I'm not planning and people I wasn't expecting might hop on.I might have to share it with people I don't want to but he'll send it all the same.While I wait I can prepare myself for what's to come.Reflect on all the good stuff!Listen to switchfoot and think about some of the ridiculous mistakes I've made and the people who have walked in and out of my life.I can think about how much these people have changed me for the better.I can appreciate that inside me there is an adventurer waiting to escape not just another boring commuter.


Hopefully while I wait I will come across other people waiting for their buses,hopefully we can be friends.Hopefully we can sit and chat and drink Ribena in the sun.Hopefully I can hear their stories and help them in some way,maybe lend them money for their fare or lend them my umbrella in the rain.


Most of all I hope while I wait that I never forget I'm not waiting by myself,my best friend is always there,His dad is working at the terminus but he's been sent to keep and eye on me.He's been sent but he wants to come.He wants to sit and listen to me moan and receive my awkward hugs.He doesn't care if my hair is all frizzy from the rain and he doesn't care how long I talk for,He'll just sit and listen.He knows how much I'm struggling but he'll carry my heavy bag when I walk home everyday when the bus hasn't shown up.He'll watch kitchen hero with me and won't care that I've no interest in the food but he'll know that ultimately he is my hero and not Donal.

'Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord' <3

Edinburgh

I'm sorry that I'm not a good enough friend.I'm sorry that I can't buy you the things you want.I'm sorry that I'd prefer to be honest than small talk with your parents.I'm sorry that I don't hug you.I'm sorry that I'm always a dissapointment and I'm sorry that I don't live far enough away to hop on a plane home and surprise you.I'm sorry that I refuse to deny what I believe and I'm sorry that I let other things be part of my life aside from you.

I'm sorry that I don't give you my undivided attention and I'm sorry that you don't appreciate that you're always in my prayers.I'm sorry that I hold things back to protect you and I'm sorry that my hours of listening weren't any help.I'm sorry that I told you everything,I wish you had told me that you didn't want to know.I'm sorry that my family took you under their wing,if you didn't like it you should have said.

I'm sorry that you think I'm stupid,I try my best but I can't do much more.I'm sorry that to you my opinion is worthless and I'm sorry that I ever tried my hardest that day.

I'm sorry that you feel the way you feel,I can't fix you,it has to come from you.I'm sorry that I misunderstood what you said and I'm sorry that I didn't do what you wanted me to.

I try to think of the bad things in a positive way and I know you don't like that but I don't like how you speak to me so I'm going to do it anyway.You're stubborn yourself so you shouldn't judge me.

I think of myself as a daisy.I'm made up of petals.Every time you want from me I give you a petal but I've given so much I've none left.All that's left is the yellow centre.I know how you'd view that.Useless.But really I've got a lot left.The centre is where all the nectar is.Although I don't always give it is spread without me knowing.You need to do the same,step out of the greenhouse and into the real world.I'll be okay,my petals will grow back.

I'm sorry that I let you down but I'm always here if you need.Please don't forget that.If you come crawling back I won't turn you away.I'm sorry that this is written here but I've got to get it out somehow.

Nandri

I sat on the warm stone steps.My legs stretched out and my hands by my sides.I heard the crickets sing and watched the heat radiate from the dusty ground.The trees barely moved and the monkeys patrolled across the black stone wall.The stiff grass peeked through the dust and the washed out chalk coulors remained from the day we were first welcomed.

I sat still.My skin red and my eyes squinted.My hair frizzed in the heat.My hands sweated and stuck to the steps.I watched as the world passed me by.I watched as the students played volleyball with recycled plastic bags.I didn't flinch at the sight.I saw the enthusiasm in their faces and the competition between them.I watched as a woman hung her washing out to dry and as a local man ambled by on his bike.


I sat and appreciated what was around me.I didn't long for more.I appreciated that God was at work and I was oblivious to the horror outside of the gates.I was content in a way that I have never felt before.As I sat there I didn't worry about how I looked or what I sounded like.I didn't feel stupid but blessed instead.I didn't care that I was sitting by myself or that I wasn't talking to anyone.I wasn't worried that time was passing slowly but instead I embraced it.


I long to go back again,to feel the same way.I feel I belong there in a way that I don't feel here.I know I must wait but it's days like this that I become impatient.I pray that I'll get there again someday.I thank God so much for putting me there to begin with and planting this place in my heart.


Nandri <3

6%

Today I bumped into some of the kids I looked after in the Creche last year.I was shocked at how much they had grown up.They didn't recognise me,I had changed a lot too.


I said hello to them and they looked at me funny(which was awkward)and I walked away.As I was walking I began to think about how much has changed in the last year.It's crazy to think about it!!I'm like a different person now.When I worked in that creche I was terrified and shy.I waited to be told what to do and I barely spoke to the other staff.I loved the kids but I was so concerned with doing things the 'right' way but not my way.I took home all of their problems and worried about some of them.I prayed for them.I prayed that they would grow up to be confident people with good values and I prayed that they had good relationships with their families when they were at home.These were things I worried about so much and it was so heart warming to see those kids with their parents today.They were happy as could be.God really answers prayer.


This time last year I was faced with my end of year exams.I didn't care how I did.I was doing the exams because I felt I had to.I felt like I was dumped in my course randomly,it was a stupid course with no career prospects.I went to college and I had a few friends but most of the relationships I had were shallow.I let my self get into the most un loving relationship I could have because I thought so little of myself.I let myself become a doormat who collected all the mud and dust from the other person while they trampled all over me.I know I was crucial to that relationship and I learned so much from it.I can see that now.I can appreciate that it helped me grow up and appreciate my own worth.I know now that I don't need someone else to make me worthwhile.That'll happen when the time is right.This year I have made some of the best friends I could ever have asked for! :)(That's not to sound cheesy,I mean it genuinely!)I feel like I've found myself and I know exactly what I stand for.


I'm now facing my exams with fear and nerves.I so badly want to do well.My course has become my life.My heart is in Deaf mode and I have a passion for helping where I can.I have been given a second chance!God has been the one to let that happen and without him it wouldn't have been possible.He found the money and he gave me the confidence to get over the initial failure and realise that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be.He made me realise that sometimes you need to be grateful for the opportunity instead of ungrateful for the mess that meant you needed him to pull you out.Sometimes God is like my armbands in the swimming pool.I know that I can't swim very well but I'm embarassed that if I wear God for all to see others will laugh,I should concentrate on the fact that I need him to keep me a float.

So I've decided that tomorrow's exam is a blessing,an opportunity to show the world that I was made to do this.A chance to prove that I'm meant to be here too!6% more,that's all I need but I don't want to scrape the barell,I want to glorify God through it all.I want him to know that I appreciate the strength and opportunity that he has given me!


'Sometimes it's the brick that made you stumble and graze your knee that you can use as a step to help you climb the wall that's in your way' :)

Also,I think this song really reflects how I'm feeling...hope you enjoy! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgovv8jWETM

Noam Chomsky

Okay,Noam Chomsky is this language acquisition theorist ( note that his name sounds like Nomi,a common joke in college).He believes that there is a critical period in which a person can learn a language with ease.Within this period they can get a grasp on grammar rules almost subconsciously but outside of it it seems more difficult.I haven't decided if I fully agree with him yet.I always found french and Irish hard in school but never had a problem with English,only that I wrote too much.I think to put an upper limit on something might be a bit harsh.


I think that and then I think again.There's an age where you begin to stop playing with your barbie dolls and give them away.There's an age when you realize the bells you thought you heard on the roof every christmas eve were just your imagination and the red dots on your face are not freckles but a sign that you're growing up.


There comes a time when you have to throw that old yoghurt out of the fridge and when your 7up has gone to flat to drink.There comes a day when those rosy cheeks your parents told you were cute need to be hidden from society and there comes a stage when you have to consider whether or not you can really make someone believe what you want them to.


I was hanging out with a friend today and it seems like they think that Christianity is something you just grow out of.They think you reach a certain age and it's not relevant anymore.Stories like Noah's ark are for kids and anything after that is none of their concern.Singing songs at beach missions was nice but once you have to step up and lead it's not for you.I don't know for sure but that's the way it seems.


As I grew up my opinions shifted from believing what my parents and teachers told me straight off to going and finding out for myself.I remember my mum told me a Greenday song mentioned drugs and as a wannabe rocker yet obedient oldest daughter I made it my business to find out for myself.(The song did mention drugs but I never admitted it,I could get away with the hoody but put drugs into the equation and it was a goner!)It was at this stage that I decided I could listen to what I wanted,I was my own free person.I had surpassed the stage where my parents had complete control.


I guess there is a certain progression there and a stage that you move on from.I used to believe everything I heard about God until I reached a point where I questioned it all and it made me look deeper into things,I guess in a sense that was my critical period.It all happened at the right time and now that I'm outside of it I find it hard to see why I had those doubts.What I'm going to explain next will seem critical and if you're reading this I don't want you to think I haven't asked spiritual questions myself.


So I spend most weekends having conversations with one of my friends.They ask me numerous questions that I struggle to answer about faith and God and the church.Usually things that never bother me,'why does my brother get to go out and have fun while I study?' or 'why do people have a good time for years and then decide they want to be Christians when they're too old to do it anymore?'.I see these things that as part of God's plan.The topics get bigger and bigger,'why does God allow suffering?','why me?".it goes on and on.It tires me out and most times I come away feeling upset and dissapointed.I care a lot about this person and it upsets me to the point that I cry sometimes.


I don't mind talking about these things,as a friend that's what I'm there for and as a Christian I'm a constant witness.When someone in college asks me about my faith I have no problem sharing.When a stranger asks me I have no problem.It's when it's closer to home that it's harder to explain yourself.When you're talking to someone and the friendship between you started based on your belief it can be really difficult.


At the beginning I used to thrive on it,knowing God was using me to help get them back on track.Today I feel almost like I've outlived my critical period.I don't know if I'm any good anymore.I still answer in the same way and with the same passion and conviction that I had before but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere.It's like when I used to learn french and I would learn off all the verbs with the same enthusiasm every time but I could never get a grasp on them.It's like I have all the vocabulary but not the structure to put it all together in such a way to win my friend back.I feel like maybe I need a new teaching method or a new illustration.When I'm teaching sign or religion I relate everything back to real life.This is my friends life though and it's hard to compare real with real.I know he's put her in this stage for a reason but it's hard for me to explain that.Stage and phase are very short term words and I fear that they think even if they return to God it'll be a short-lived thing.


How do you convince someone that God is for every phase of your life?He's not just there to look after you in the early days while you learn how to walk and talk and he's not just there when you and your boyfriend are getting along really well.He doesn't set upper limits and he loves you regardless of your age or what you've done.My friend is much smarter than I will ever be but they don't seem to get that.


I realize this post seems a bit down beat and I don't mean it to.I find writing things down makes it clearer in my head and even if I don't publish posts my mind is clearer afterwards.I'm honored that I'm an ambassador for God!Ambassador is a big word and one that suggests prestige but also a lot of responsibility.I guess what I need to remember is that God has made me his ambassador for life not just for a critical period and I have a duty to do that.I'm an ambassador and not God himself,I can promote him and work to please him but he has the control.He decides what happens.Ultimately he is in control.

Nalachi Pakalum

I should be studying but I'm wrecked and scared.Whenever I get scared of something I want to run away.I have great escape routes thought out in my head,I'll pack up this college nonsense and take what I already know somewhere else.Where I really want to be is India!I've been pushing the thought to the back of my mind for ages now,knowing that it's not my time to go back yet.I was talking to a friend today who has been there too.He thinks I'm crazy for loving it so much and can't understand why I'd ever want to go back.

So why do I want to go back?In all honestly I can't put in to words the feeling that I get even thinking about it.Even writing this I am grinning at the thought.I have butterflies in my tummy and my heart is pounding,not in that weird 'I've just run a mile' kinda way but the way it does when something super exciting is about to happen.Just thinking about it I'm imagining hundreds of sincere smiling faces greeting me on street corners.I'm remembering the little hands that reached up to touch mine.I'm remembering the warmth and generosity that welcomed me and I'm remembering the humble talents that were everywhere to be seen.


I'm remembering the silk material that clung to my skin and the monkeys that stole our food.I'm remembering the fascination people found in my red face and my then blonde hair(even if people pulled at it during church services!).I'm remembering the cool breeze that swept across my face as we drove through the village and the horror when we nearly crashed into a cow.I'm remembering the dusty ground that destroyed my flipflops and the dry grass that met with it at the edges.I'm remembering the tamil church hymns that I didn't understand and the smell of curry that surrounded the place.I'm remembering the plastic keyboard that only played a few notes but the passion that came from the people in their singing.I remember the burning sun that made my arms all red and the dogs that I ran away from for fear I'd get rabies.I remember the stick I had to carry to scare of snakes and I remember being a completely different person to who I am now.

I remember the scorching sun and the smell of insect repellent.I remember the ghecko's and frogs in the shower.I remember the pink stains the toothpaste would leave on my teeth because I couldn't use the tap water to wash it off.I remember the electricity that would come and go and the horrible bread that tasted like bananas.I remember eating curry for breakfast and the red bricks that scarred my hands and arms.


I remember all these things but mostly I remember the people that stole my heart.I remember the students who had so little but still shared with me.I remember their fascination with the things  I take for granted.I remember their genuine concern for my spotty,teenage skin.I remember their warm smiles and their attempts to teach me Tamil.I remember their stories and wish I knew them all,some so heartbreaking.I remember their graciousness and patience.They taught me so so much.


I remember Shiela who's house I helped build and the letter she sent me a year later on green floral paper.I remember her  humble nature and devotion to her son.I remember the horror in her face when she told me about her late husband and I remember holding back the tears while I listened.I remember she splashed water on my face and I worked hard in the heat and I remember her describing hunger and a bell jingling in her stomach.She turned everything into a positive.

I remember the kids that lived next door to her and the sheer delight in their faces when I gave them my disposable camera.I remember how the were so enthusiastic about learning about the Bible and it made me want to share the same excitement.They knew the father Abraham song of by heart and they sang it to us with such pride.I remember the prickly grass that 'beef jerkey' the cow grazed on and the flea bites that we got from sitting in the sand.I remember we bought them a ball and all their christmas' came at once.


I remember the Venket who looked after us all and the happiness in his face when he realised he had made a new friend.I remember his wife and her lovely nature.I remember how after every meal he told us we had just eaten snake and I loved his sense of humour.I remember how his hands were curled from the leprosy he had overcome and his feet were the same.I remember how he never let it get in his way.

I remember the calls from the mosque at 5 in the morning and it made me realise that I have it so easy.I remember some people telling me that they shared my God but I knew they had other gods too.This made me sad but I continued to explain.


I remember the new born babies that I visited in the hospital.So tiny and vulnerable,I wanted to take them home with me but that would be stealing.I remember the man who was wounded from leprosy and the bandages wrapped all over his body.I wanted to help him but there was no way I could.


I remember the man with no legs and the motivation he showed me.He continued to run a business by himself.He put his dissability behind him and got on with life,if he didn't his family would have no income.

I remember the appreciativeness in the faces of the students as we offered them Bibles.They took such good care of them and even after 2 years they still treasured them.Here we take it for granted.The Bible is ready and available to us and in a sense at our disposal.


There are so many people and things I remember and I could keep writing all day.I long to go back so badly.I feel like I keep reaching and nearly getting a grasp of the opportunity but it keeps being snatched from me.


I think we can learn so much from people in India.It's okay to not run to a schedule.It's okay to sit on your porch and watch.It's okay to walk into your neighbours house.It's a good thing to treat everyone like part of your family and it's amazing to share what little you might have.You see,people gave me funding to go to India three times,to help the people out there I feel terrible for taking this now.I know what I did impacted them to an extent but the effect these people had on me can never be put into words.They have made me who I am and shaped  what I believe.They changed me in every aspect.I was so reluctant to go their at the start and I know God sent me there for a reason.I know he placed each and every one of those people in my journey so I could learn and I know that I have friends that I will never forget.I know it will return some day I just must remain patient.

I think to myself...what a wonderful world....???

For L.Alicia,hope this helps.

I sat on the Dart this morning,headphones in,oblivious to the world.I looked out the window and saw the waves crash vigorously against the rocks.The sea was like a brown monster,roaring,consuming anything in it's path,devouring the rocks.It crashed again and again and the foam jumped up and touched the dark sky.The sand was nowhere to be seen,swallowed by the sea,swirling around the inside of it with no chance of escape.The seagulls had dissapeared,carried away by the wind.Few birds bopped on the waves.

I sat there in awe and the train continued to move quickly.The sky was spitting down,drops covered the glass on the windows and danced from top to bottom.I remembered when I was a kid the way I would try and chase the raindrops on my Grandad's car but I never could,they'd move too fast in the wind.You'd follow one and  then another one would arrive and replace it.They'd wiggle diagonally across the glass like soap in your hands,they would always escape you.I remember my Grandad and the great man that he was.I still miss him even years later.He was so patient and I hope I can be like that.If he taught me anything it's that you can be fun and a messer but still remain obedient.I hope I never forget what he taught me.I know recently it has stood to me but I hope it does forever.I want him to have an imprint on my life forever that I can teach my children and grandchildren too.It makes me sad that some of my brother's and sister's never met him but I hope I can somehow display what he was like to them.

I looked up at the sky.It was grey and brown and white.So many colours.It looked dirty,like it had been dragged across a muddy floor,collected all the dirt,holding it there,waiting to wring out.Like a person holds in emotion and eventually cries it out.When there used to be thunder and lightening my parents would tell me it was God moving the furniture up in Heaven so I wouldn't be scared.When I saw the waves it made me wonder what God was doing today?Washing the dishes?Cleaning the floor?I don't know but I was in awe.He is powerful enough to be in control of the waves and sea.That's some power!He takes all of our bad doings and forgives us regardless.It's like he takes a cloth and wipes the chocolate off our face the wrings out the cloth and it's forgotten.We look clean!The waves hit the beach and pull the dirt away.The next morning it is left clean.

The wind howled and the train shook.God really is at work.Such power.'Saviour,he can move the mountains?'I sing it all the time but I really do not doubt it.He has such power!When I see nature it always fascinates me.None of this happened by chance.A bang could never account for all the perfection that surrounds us.

I walked through the back gate of trinity,passed all the stone buildings.The wind sent chills down my spine and played havoc with my hair.The ground was wet and the air was moist.I breathed it in.Trinity College?Me?It's still a little crazy!!.I continued past the wooden benches,they were isolated and there were few students to be seen.The pink trees dripped and their petals lured into dancing by the wind.The ground was covered in a pink blanket and some flowers remained intact.They sat there,still,effortless,each one unique.

It's so amazing that each flower is so different,none the same.Every person is different,we all have our own little quirks.Some things we wish we could get rid of.My stupid laugh drives me crazy and Ed wears funny jumpers but there is nobody the same as either of us.God hand picked each thing about us and made us who we are.If you ever go to the bear factory you can pick every element of your bear and make them just the way you want them.You pick their voice,there heart,their name.Imagine that God did that for every single one of us?!It's okay for us,we hand over 20euro for the bear,he handed over his son.

I arrived at the library and faced an essay on language disorder.I thought of my brother and his speech.I know God made him the way he is.He is amazing in his own right.He inspires me everyday and I don't tell him enough how great he is.Disorder,deafness,pretty,stupid it doesn't really matter.God knows how many hairs are on your head,he knows every thought before you even think it and he knows where I'll be in a few years time.You having faults doesn't mean he doesn't love you.'He has knitted you together in your mother's womb' I know that scares you but you don't know what's next to come.

I'm just so in awe of how awesome God really is.It's easy to sing about it and take it for granted.He really can move mountains.He controls the wind and the waves.He made us all unique and he has given us life.Surely the challenges we face in sharing his good news are nothing in return for that?! :)

Nomi <3

:)

So this evening I got to do something amazing-share my faith with someone I barely know!!

I'm sorry this post won't be particulary imaginative or even exciting for some of you!Anyway,this evening out of the blue a student I give grinds to couldn't get his head around God's salvation.I tried to explain it is complicated terms,enough that he could get an essay from it but to no avail.He looked at me puzzled.He couldn't understand it.Eventually I decided to go back to what I thought was basic.I turned over my folder and drew two cliffs with no bridge between them.On one Cliff stood the student and on the other God.I then drew the shape of the cross between the two and it fit perfectly and I explained how Jesus dying on the cross took away our sin and gave us access to God.I shrugged it off by saying that he had probably seen the illustration a million time but when I looked up at him his face beamed with happiness.He was astonished.He had never seen it and suddenly everything clicked.He ran to get his younger sister who is a Christian and wanted to show it to her.He was so enthusiastic!!

I couldn't help but smile.What I had considered so small and taken for granted had made something click in his mind.We pushed it aside and continued on with the class.We talked about other religions and answered the essay questions.As it reached the end of the class he began to ask more,about God and the church and salvation and sin.I was so taken a back.I answered in the best ways that I could and I tried to back it up where possible.We talked for half an hour simply about the church!!I felt bad leaving,as I was walking out the door he was still asking me questions.He questioned God's opinions on gays and lesbians and so many other controversial topics.It was like there had been a person hiding inside him the whole time waiting to emerge,one that stayed quite and nodded.

It is amazing to see God working so much.I am constantly on the look out for ways to share my faith and I go to the extremes of writing whole college essays about the Bible in an attempt to evangelise my lecturers sometimes.Of course,this is complete maddness and irrelevant to my course.I've been brought close to failing on a number of occassions.

God really does give us opportunities when we least expect them!!

I am just so excited about what happened!!I have such a warm, fuzzy feeling inside me.I was exhausted before I started the class and now I'm wide awake,alive...God really is great!!

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide

I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show

I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross

But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

My friend once said to me that music is a universal language.He said that it doesn't matter where you are or where you're from you'll be able to understand the meaning behind any song.He said this and began to effortlessly play the piano.I watched in awe.He made it look so easy.I watched as his fingers raced up and down the keys.He didn't sing but his whole self became that song.He slipped into a different world while I stood there.With every key change he glanced at me from the stool,he looked tense and afraid.I felt him pour out his frustration,things that he could never say in person.He banged the keys.His whole life story un-ravelled like a ball of wool in front of me.The other person inside of him was revealed.The person was hurting and this was the only way he could express it.He had so much to say but he couldn't use his voice.I listened to his story and I knew he felt better once he'd stopped.I smiled and rubbed his back,he knew he had let me in.He placed his head on my shoulder and in a moment of silence it was clear that what he had been holding back had finally been shared.He had said nothing but he knew that I understood.

Some people make life look so easy.They speak effortlessly and share feelings with ease.They let people in quickly.They don't wear a mask.They're not afraid to let people in.They don't fear the rejection.They don't let past experience hang around their ankles like a chain.They cut it off and keep walking.They don't need a piano to bang out what they want to say.

The song above is about someones love and devotion to another.The pure happiness they find in that person and the belief that the sun shines through them.The belief that life is wonderful when they are graced by their presence.The belief that that individual brings meaning to their day and that they need no other.The words flow beautifully and the piano hums with ease.

I know this song is old and overplayed in some cases but it's message is universally understood.It's poetic tune opens a shortcut to the heart from the very beginning.From the humble piano at the start there is an instant understanding of the direction the song will take.You embark on a journey with this pair.One pouring out emotion like a fountain.His words are like water,they flow gracefully and splash out over people,giving every listener a little piece of his expression,giving them a keyhole view into the life he loves.Sharing with them the passion he feels for the other person.

I wish I could be more musical.I could write lyrics all day but I have no way of composing an appropriate tune.I wish I could effortlessly pour my heart out.I wish I didn't care what people thought and could let people in more quickly.I wish I didn't fear the unknown.I wish I could cry when I needed too and let people hug me better.I can use all the flowery language I like but they're just words.I feel like a Deaf person sometimes.I have a hold on what I want to say but I need an appropriate means to say it.I can wave my hands all I like but most people won't understand.I can create beautiful metaphors with my hands but it's only me who understands.The person I want to address doesn't understand me.It's music that is the key to opening that box of feelings inside.Music bridges the way between emotion and reality.

If I could write a song to explain how I'm feeling,I would.If I could write you a song to do justice to my words, I would.If I could know that you wouldn't laugh at me I'd tell you how I feel.If I could explain how you've hurt me while singing to piano, I would.You'd understand before I opened my mouth.If I could write a song about you it would be like the one above.I would soon ignore the hurt because your smile makes me forget.When your warm hands touch mine I know that I'm safe and when you wrap your arms around me I know that everything will be okay.When you grab my wrist I know that we're cool.When you joke with me I know that really you love the stupid things I do.When you look into my eyes I feel important,worthy of your time.When you smile at me,I know that I'm alive.When you you stand beside me I feel you breathing and my heart begins to race.

If I could give you my heart,I would.If I knew you wouldn't crush it,I would.If I knew I could trust you,I'd tell you everything.I'd let you listen to my crappy music collection and know exactly what I'm about.If I could guarantee that you'd be reading this I'd delete it.I care too much about what you think of me.I know, I'm impossible to read and you have no idea how much I value what we have.I'm full of talk and you think I don't care,in fact I couldn't care more.I know if you read this you would have no idea it's about you.I wish I could tell you instead of relying on a stupid blog to let me do the talking.

I wish I could write you a song,you could tell everybody that it was yours.Play it on repeat and appreciate it.I wish.I wish you felt the same.I know I can't and I know I must move on.A baker can't fix a car and a girl like me can't fix the world.I can't get inside you're head and know what you're thinking and until I have the music to sing my words I will remain a still statue.I will continue to show little.Await your approach.Remain as your friend.Know that our friendship benefits you.Know that you will never realise that your smile is my sun.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9AFMVMl9qE 

Rain

It always rains when things go wrong.It rained when I failed my driving test...twice.It lashed when I failed first year.It bucketed when my first love broke my heart and it hailed today when I realized I've been a fool.


The weather can reflect how we're feeling.In a way it empathizes with us but in a way it reminds us of the things that are going wrong.Thud thud thud.The cold rain hits,a heavy reminder.That sticky feeling when you run to get away from it.The dampness on your back.The frizziness in your hair.There for all to see.You hide under your hood but it can only hide so much.You can face the ground but the rain collects in puddles and wets your feet.You feel your mascara drip,the black stains showing all your mistakes.It's when it rains you are most vulnerable,your make-up peeling off your face,your red skin revealed.The real you.The weak individual that you try to keep inside.




The rain greases your hair,sadness makes you unattractive.Nobody likes a moan.People complain about the rain,they never embrace it.When the sun comes out people gather in numbers but when it rains people disappear,they don't want to get wet.


You need a get away card.An escape route.You see taxis but they drive through the puddles,splashing you in the process.You must continue through the rain.When you were a kid you had no worries,protected by the rain shield on your buggy.Your own little safety bubble.Sometimes I wish I could go back,sit in my buggy.Take note of everything said to me.Avoid the rain.


I wish I could shake this feeling.Step into the sun.See the weather forecast and be prepared for the rain.My jokes and humour can only get me so far.Eventually I will run out.I'll have to tell people how I really feel.Let them see my greasy,frizzy hair and my leaky mascara.I wish I had someone to walk with me through the rain and hold my umbrella while I hold onto my hood.I wish somebody would lift me over the puddles,save my feet from getting cold and wet.Not in a romantic sense but somebody who wouldn't judge me or leave me when they've had enough.Will want to be friends rain or shine.


So tomorrow if it rains,I will embrace it.Know that the sun must come soon.That damp feeling can be replaced by a warm one and cold feet can warm in front of the fire.I'll be armed with my wellies and ignore all the crap falling from the sky.

'For your heart is like a flower as it grows,and it's the rain not just the sun that helps it bloom'♥

Boxers

It seems to me that people are like boxer shorts.There's so much you can tell about a guy from his boxers.I know I'm not the only person that believes this.Numerous guys I know have admitted that their boxers reflect their personality.


 You see,most people don't see your boxers.Its only when you're running up stairs or bending over to get books out of your bag that it becomes an issue.It's when you're exposed that people can find out so much about you.


 This weekend I went to a conference.It was all about the Bible and Christian Unions in colleges and Universities all over Ireland.I found it so challenging.I felt like I was a guy running up the stairs,struggling to hide my boxers.I was running so quickly,trying to get to the top and not admit my lack of knowledge.I felt out of my depth and questioned myself many times.I didn't want to admit my struggles to anyone. I felt I let my walls down with a few individuals.Let them see my boxers in a sense.I let them see that they're plain and boring,light pink instead of the comic strip print I would like people to think. I learned so much from this weekend.Although I was challenged it had made me take action.it made me realise that people won't laugh at my pink boxers but in reality there are few people wearing cool ones.Lots of people struggle with the same things others do. I learned that it's okay to run up the stairs,letting people see your boxers a bit.Its good to let people in sometimes,you don't always need to have a brave front.Sometimes it's better to admit your struggles instead of clenching onto your trousers while you run.

Sun

'You don't need to fear,I'm always near.Never too far from where you are'.

I don't have much to say in this blog only that the sun is shining!! :) It's a beautiful day!Life can be dark and clouded with hard things but the sun is never far away.God is there too!!Just gotta look behind the clouds.


I'll leave you with this song.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk38UIpxkN8

Daffodil

I know this girl.Her life is filled with beautiful,pretty things.She has lots of friends and an amazing family.She listens to quirky music and wears quirky clothes.She's funny and kind.From the outside she seems confident and outgoing.From the outside everything looks like it's okay.


She does silly things and goes silly places.These don't matter though 'cos people love her for it.She feels silly for feeling the way she feels.People tell her she's pretty but she doesn't believe it.She blasts her music loudly while walking quickly in an attempt to block thoughts out.She's scared and she doesn't know what to do.She stays up all night thinking.Thinking about the things that are out of her control.She worries uncontrollably about things that are bigger than she could ever imagine.She lets thoughts consume her and take over her life.She runs away from things but she's not good at running.She tends to fall and tire herself out.She loves people unconditionally and values friendships over anything else.She strives to please people and is scared of upsetting them.

She's like the lemon coloured daffodil amongst all the other yellow ones.Often overlooked because she's a bit different.She doesn't fit the stereotypical,perfect form.The others get picked before her and she's left to fight the wind and the rain.She feels like the other flowers that she's trusted have been picked and brought inside.They know everything about her but they're no longer with her.She has to fend for herself.She looks like she's strong by herself but inside she's worrying...torturing herself with thought.Thoughts that won't leave her alone.Thoughts that follow her.Her thoughts are like glitter.They look like a small amount of things but if spilled they separate all over the floor and stick to everything.They stick there,shining.She can't get them off her mind.


She has one thing she wants to say.One issue she wants to resolve.She knows what to do but she's scared to do it.She's letting past experience follow her like a shadow,she's scared to step into the sun.She knows herself so well and this scares her..she's convinced herself she'll never do it.She needs to take a leap but instead she's taking baby steps.


I know this girl and she's the greatest friend you could ask for.She's loving through and through.There's nothing she wants more than your approval.She won't judge you regardless of what you've done.This girl is the lemon daffodil and she stands out from the crowd.She's different 'cos she's genuine and she shouldn't be ashamed of that.She feels the way she feels because she's human and she shouldn't be scared.She's hurt but she shouldn't let it get her down.I want to help her but I don't know how...

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a hearing world as a deaf person.I know what I want to say but the world isn't providing me with a means to do so.I can wave my hands all I like but people still don't understand.I can point and hint but nobody will get the full message. I have had this thought in my head for months an I know I should do something about it.I know I should buy I'm scared.I'm scared of the consequences if it all goes wrong and I'm scared of what other people will think.I'm letting this thought consume me to the point that I can't think of anything else.Its everywhere I go.I feel like I can't fully explain myself if I'm dependant on my voice alone. I feel like a little car stopped behind a big bin truck,I can't see around this obstacle.I am indicating,hinting,hinting,hinting.I look like I know what I want and where I am going but in reality I am the terrified learner in the driver seat.I'm not experienced enough at life to judge situations.As I indicate I must look in the rear view mirror.What's behind me scares me and holds me back.In order to move forward you must learn from the past but I'm scared what I see in the mirror,scared that something just as daunting could be on the other side of this truck.I can't see what's ahead of the truck and it's fear of the unknown that's wearing me down.My wing mirror gives me little insight,I can see me,the car.I look confident but in reality I'm not.I'm stuck there,indicating,hesitating,scared to move.I'm hoping someone will take the wheel and drive for me.If I sit there any longer I'll begin to run out of fuel,tiring myself out. So,I can make excuses all I want.I can blame my lack of confidence,or fear.Reality is before long the bin truck will move off.Eventually I'll be faced with the open road.I can't hide behind the truck forever.Real life isn't a blog and I can't always use imagery to explain myself.I will soon reach a point when I will have to bite the bullet and say what I want to say.

Ice Cream

So this week I've spent a lot of time in the library.This is a new thing for me.Usually if I have a reading week I would find every excuse not to read and keep myself busy doing something else.This week I decided it would be different!I made it my mission to come in everyday even if it meant sacrificing my social life.Normally I would put off coming in here until the very last minute.


I'm one of those people who tends to drag things out for ages.I never want to go home when I'm having a good time and I never want to end a conversation that I'm really enjoying.I always suck every last drop out of a carton of Ribena and make it last for as long as I can.I always wear shoes until they've fallen to pieces and admittedly sometimes I let the joke keep going until it gets way too old.But one thing I never do is keep an ice-cream for long enough that it melts.


You see,sometimes you can spend so long holding on to an ice-cream,enjoying it.You'll hold it 'til the cone goes all soggy and the runny white stuff runs down your hand.You spend ages concentrating on how you will save it,licking around the edges,savouring every last bit.But what good is holding on to a runny ice-cream?,it never tastes good when it's all melted.You'll enjoy it more the way it was at the start.


I suppose,what I'm getting at is that sometimes you spend so much time thinking about how you will save something or thinking about how badly you don't want something to end that you forget to enjoy what's happening around you.I know for me I tend to worry about stupid things and not focus on the big picture a lot of the time.


Don't treat life like an Ice-cream.Enjoy living in the now.Don't worry about holding on to things that are out of your control,the runny ice-cream will drip all it wants and give you sticky hands.Overthinking things gets you nowhere and you become like the soggy cone,all shrivelled up and good for nothing.

I hate pancakes...

I hate pancakes!!Everything about them!!I don't understand why people get excited for pancake tuesday!Sitting here writing this I can hear my mum and brothers and sisters in the kitchen talking about them and how excited they are to have them.What is the big deal?!The most annoying thing about pancakes is that they always go lumpy!It's so rare that you can make them completely flat.


Admittedly this is a more aggressive post than the others.It's been a crappy day and it's better to take out my anger on this than on anyone else.It's so rare that I get irritated enough by something to let it get me down but today topped it!


There's lots of things I don't understand in life,why people like pancakes?Why west life are still on the go?Why people wear Chino's?Why girls always go to the toilet in groups?These are all insignificant and small things that tend not to bother me too much in my day to day life.Some other things that I cannot get my head around concern me more and today have become the focus of my attention.


I don't understand how someone can walk into your life and become such a big part of it and walk back out as if they were never crucial.I don't understand how someone can share with you all there deepest thoughts and listen to yours but abandon them as if you know nothing.I don't understand why people suddenly stop talking and make you feel like you've done something wrong.I don't understand why people hug you and pretend that every things okay,or why people stick up for you and then turn their back on you.I don't understand why people say things they don't mean or laugh at things that aren't funny.I don't understand how one minute we were best friends and now we're not!


I don't understand why I can't be where I want to be and I can't make people think certain things about me.I don't understand why I can't help myself from trusting people too quickly.I don't understand why every time this happens I don't learn from my mistakes.I don't understand why these things get me so frustrated and even though I know how lucky I am I still let it get on top of me.I don't understand why I can't always protect the people I love.I don't understand why there's people in India in trouble and all I can think about is how crap my day has been!!


So there are so many things I don't understand.All of these things are like the lumps in the pancakes.Everytime I think bad thoughts or dwell on the negatives I'm pushing myself further away from the plain sailing life and the optimum flat pancake.I suppose, I don't hate pancakes because of what's in them,in fact I like all the ingredients!!I love all the different parts of my life just sometimes when they're all mixed together the bad bits contribute to a sticky mess!!I know tomorrow it'll be over and I won't have to worry about pancake tuesday for another year and I know this mood will pass too.There's so many things in the world that humans just can't contemplate or understand,I know God has a big plan and he puts people in our lives for a reason just sometimes I wish he would make his plan more clear.

You deserve a beach full of stones...

I'm not sure why but every holiday makes me think of my Grandad.Him and my Granny used to look after me when I was a kid.He was a really quite man but he was a real joker at the same time.He was so loving and him and my Granny used to always send me valentines day cards...I guess that's why I'm thinking about him today.He passed away a long time ago but I still really miss him.I don't know if you ever get over loosing someone you really love.I know I'll see him again someday and I know that he'd be proud of everything I've done since he left.He was such a big part of my life and there are things that remind me of him everywhere.I think what I learned most from him was that it's not all about the love you display in public but the quite love you show in private.Him and my Granny were inseparable and until he died he loved her with all his heart.His priority was making her happy and he would always go to great lengths to do so.

I came across this a while ago,I wrote it in 4th year.It sums up my missing him along with some memories from India.

Dresses without pockets...

One thing I can never understand is why dresses very rarely have pockets.Maybe it's crazy that I would even question it but I think it's something that isn't thought about enough.Until you have experienced the pocketless dress you will never fully appreciate the benefits of pockets or the convenience they  provide.Imagine having to hawk everything with you every time you need to go to the toilet in the library or having to carry your purse and phone with you to the shop for fear they could be stolen from the lecture hall when you leave during the break.


Okay,I know this sound like a very 'first world problem'.Infact it is.There are bigger things in the world to worry about.An unstable economy,war,famine,poverty..the list goes on and on.So excuse my selfishness stressing over a choice of dress.I promise you, I do have a point.


So,a dress without pockets means inconvenience and having to carry things for the world to see.When you carry things around people can see your imperfections.In a way I think a pocketless dress represents the life of a Christian..or a Christian's life as it should be.We shouldn't hide things in our pockets where nobody can see them.We should be open and willing to share our faith.If you hide polo mints in your pockets nobody will know you have them...if you carry them in your hand people will see them and ask you to share.If you show people that your life is different people will ask you to share that too.God has put people in situations and will nudge them to ask questions.You need to be the person to provoke them.(I don't mean walking around with an 'I love Jesus' t-shirt but we all have the ability to be a witness.)


I would always choose the dress with pockets...I can be lazy and don't always want to share my stuff.I can be like that with my faith too.Sometimes it's easier to stay quiet and pretend that the issues surrounding you are none of your concern.It can be easy to hide things in your pockets.I don't always want people to question why I do or don't do things.Reality is,it's rare to get a dress without pockets and even more rare is that somebody would give up their life so that you could live yours.


So remember..don't let God become the old receipt in your pocket...shoved in their in case you might need it again sometime.You shouldn't have to dig deep beneath your money to find him he should be there in your hand for all to see.Don't be the dress with pockets that changes shape as the pockets get filled.Take the shape of Jesus and depend soley on him :)

Hmm...where to start?I know once you get going with something like this you begin to get better,starting is hard though.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this yet,I guess it's a means to share what I'm thinking...or even just to go through it in my own mind.This time last year I wouldn't have dreamt of writing something like this or even talking about the way I felt.The last year has been so crucial to my life and I've grown so much as a person because of it.The cliche 'there's light at the end of the tunnel' springs to mind and I'm apprehensive about using that.I know it's been used thousands of times before.Reality is that God is the light in the tunnel.We might choose to close our eyes and ignore the help that's out there or concentrate on the darkness and bad things.We can freeze and dwell on the negatives or embrace the positives and depend fully on God.He knows what he's doing..he's planned it out already!

I've learned that I am not in control,even when I want to be I am so far from it.Things that appear to hinder us are blessings in disguise and the people that hurt us are often preparing us for greater things to come.What I'm getting at, I guess is that I've been in that tunnel,I pulled my hood over my face and closed my eyes so I couldn't see the light,I played the music of other peoples opinions so loudly that I couldn't hear God's voice,I filled my life with things to distract me instead of focusing me.I became what I swore I would never become.I was everything I hated.Looking back down the tunnel it's like someone has switched the lights on.Every person that got me through it is like a pillar supporting the roof and the events of last year are like the bricks of the tunnel wall.Each one of them had a crucial role to play but seemed insignificant at the time.If you take out one brick you loose the wall,if you take out a part of life you find yourself in a different place,even the small things are important.A tunnel is only a small part of a trains journey and I know it was a small part of mine,there is plenty more to come.Tunnels feel huge when you're in them,you think they will never end but when you reach the sunlight you realize it was well worth the wait!

'I once was lost but now I'm found,was blind but now I see'.