The sun peeked through the window and the heat of the room felt heavy on my shoulders.I looked to the table and chopped the cabbage in front of me.Voices spoke quickly in a language I didn't understand.They raced around the room,laughs,screams,whispers.For the first time in my life I felt deaf.I could see what was happening around me but couldn't get involved.I was on the edge in a way that was a distant memory.Like a timid first year in the school corridor.I inputted nothing.I feared conforontation.Feared the unfamiliar.I just chopped the cabbage.I smiled occassionally at the young boy across from me,he smiled back but it was forced.I wondered what I was doing here.I had people with me but I felt so alone.I wondered what had become of me.I could only think about my own fear.
Chop chop chop.The wooden board rattled as the knife hit down on top of it.Romanians love cabbage and they eat it 'til there's none left.7 more awaited me but with relief I continued to chop.It was familiar,I didn't need to worry.My head filled me thought, I focused on what I had to do but couldn't help thinking of the brokeness that surrounded me.The room was full of people who were hurt,lonely,abandoned and misunderstood.The faces that surrounded me smiled but inside they were falling apart,chopped to pieces like the cabbage.They wanted a friend,someone who could help them.I doubted I was that person but I wanted so badly to be.I wanted to be the friend they were longing,the shoulder they could cry on and the adult they could confide in.Chop chop chop,many cabbages later,I was just that.I had become a part of their lives.The smiles were no longer forced and the friendships were sincere.We walked down the street hand in hand and I knew they never wanted to let go.When I tried to leave the gates three weeks later they clutched onto my waist and squeezed onto my arms.I was leaving and abandoning the role I had found.
I reached for the onion and smiled again at the young boy.He handed me a smaller knife,this time the smile not forced.I fanned my face with the closest sheet of paper and embarked on the task at hand.Chop chop chop.Water streamed from my eyes and the children laughed.Little did I know that in three weeks time they would stream in the same way but for a different reason.As I left the gates a hand grabbed onto mine,'please come back'she whispered to me.'I'll do my best'I responded,I hate having to break promises.'That's what everyone says'she cried and the tears began to stream from her face,nothing to do with the onion but from my own abandonment.
I pulled my suitcase to the car and a line of my new found friends followed behind me.They helped me lift the bags in and hugged me so that I wouldn't leave,I had to.Tears rolled down my face uncontrollably,I covered it with a smile but I could only fool myself.My layers had been stripped away and I was vulnerable.My feelings were on show and I didn't like it.The moment I had waited three weeks for was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I reluctantly closed the door of the car.Hands grabbed me through the open window.We moved and it was from then on I realised that there is nothing like the sincerity that I found in that place.Those friendships had shaped me in a way I will probably never be able to comprehend.
Fast forward 1 week from that point.I am sitting at a kitchen table.Sat across from me is a boy who was once young.I smile at him but his smile is forced.We were once good friends but there was something that tore us apart.Surrounding me are people of different backgrounds and different careers.They are all broken but in a different way.They are talking but I'm not getting involved.Their conversations are shallow and I can't help but get annoyed.Why am I here?Why am I back?How can I ever adjust back into this shallow society?Why does it matter what man you have on your arm or what course you study in college?All I can think of is those children that I've left behind and the uncertain future that they face.I'll be fine,I have a family and friends and a potential career but they have no certainty.What am I doing here?What role do I have to play?Will I just settle back in and forget all I've learned?
In Romania I left behind 20 of the most inspiring people I have ever met.You taught me how to really love and love like Jesus did.You taught me to move away from my selfish ways and so much more that I probably havn't realised yet.I hope that I will never forget you and never give in to the shallow existance that I once lived.I hope to see you all again!
Nomi <3
