84x

'Good things come to those who wait!'-yeah,that's true,but why do some people have to wait so long?I've had a pretty rough week in terms of dissapointments,usually I take them on the chin but last night I decided I'd had enough.Sometimes you've gotta just cry it out as stupid as it feels.It's okay to show that you're not a robot even when some people think you are.


I kinda feel like I've been waiting for a long time,sitting on a hard bench at a bus stop.Buses pass me by but it's never the one I want.I've got on a few of the wrong ones but before too long I'm back at the bench.I have my own little timetable,I've picked out which bus I want to come and what time I want it to come at but life doesn't work like that.I want my bus to be pink and green and flowery and full of nice people that I can chat to.I want it to come as soon as I've sat down on the bench.I've been sitting here a long time but the buses that have passed are blue and boring,they aren't going where I want to go.Sometimes a bus will stop and I'll think about getting on but spend too long trying to rummage together the funds,so long that I've missed it.It's gone and it doesn't come back.I'm patient but I don't like waiting in the rain.It's easy to sit in the sun when other good things are happening,you don't mind if the bus is a bit delayed.This week I feel like I'm sitting in the hail stones at my country bus stop,they keep pounding down on me but the bus never comes.They make my clothes damp and there is no sun to dry them off,nothing to cheer me up.


'Your life hasn't been treating you too well'-that's what my mum says.She's right but it's out of my control.I told her I feel like I'm waiting and she says I'll just have to wait a bit longer.


What am I even waiting for?A job,a licence,an answer,an escape?Do I even need all of these things?I'm waiting in the rain but maybe if I walked back home I'd see that I have everything I need?These things are what I want,what my heart is telling me I need.Should I just listen to my head instead?


I'm so grateful for the opportunities that have come my way and I know more will come soon.I have the greatest friends I could ever ask for and I know they don't care how much of an idiot I look sitting at the bus stop for hours on end.Most of them get that I'm stubborn enough not to give up.


I worry that people will become so accustomed with me never reaching my full potential.Will take for granted that I will never leave the bus stop.People will stop asking my plans because they know they will never happen.People will drive past and think that I will always be there.I worry that they won't admire my optimism but instead take me for a fool.I don't want that, I want them to know that I know God is at the bus terminus and he will send my pink flowery one when he is ready.It'll be an express one and will only stop where I need it to.It might take me somewhere I'm not planning and people I wasn't expecting might hop on.I might have to share it with people I don't want to but he'll send it all the same.While I wait I can prepare myself for what's to come.Reflect on all the good stuff!Listen to switchfoot and think about some of the ridiculous mistakes I've made and the people who have walked in and out of my life.I can think about how much these people have changed me for the better.I can appreciate that inside me there is an adventurer waiting to escape not just another boring commuter.


Hopefully while I wait I will come across other people waiting for their buses,hopefully we can be friends.Hopefully we can sit and chat and drink Ribena in the sun.Hopefully I can hear their stories and help them in some way,maybe lend them money for their fare or lend them my umbrella in the rain.


Most of all I hope while I wait that I never forget I'm not waiting by myself,my best friend is always there,His dad is working at the terminus but he's been sent to keep and eye on me.He's been sent but he wants to come.He wants to sit and listen to me moan and receive my awkward hugs.He doesn't care if my hair is all frizzy from the rain and he doesn't care how long I talk for,He'll just sit and listen.He knows how much I'm struggling but he'll carry my heavy bag when I walk home everyday when the bus hasn't shown up.He'll watch kitchen hero with me and won't care that I've no interest in the food but he'll know that ultimately he is my hero and not Donal.

'Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord' <3

Edinburgh

I'm sorry that I'm not a good enough friend.I'm sorry that I can't buy you the things you want.I'm sorry that I'd prefer to be honest than small talk with your parents.I'm sorry that I don't hug you.I'm sorry that I'm always a dissapointment and I'm sorry that I don't live far enough away to hop on a plane home and surprise you.I'm sorry that I refuse to deny what I believe and I'm sorry that I let other things be part of my life aside from you.

I'm sorry that I don't give you my undivided attention and I'm sorry that you don't appreciate that you're always in my prayers.I'm sorry that I hold things back to protect you and I'm sorry that my hours of listening weren't any help.I'm sorry that I told you everything,I wish you had told me that you didn't want to know.I'm sorry that my family took you under their wing,if you didn't like it you should have said.

I'm sorry that you think I'm stupid,I try my best but I can't do much more.I'm sorry that to you my opinion is worthless and I'm sorry that I ever tried my hardest that day.

I'm sorry that you feel the way you feel,I can't fix you,it has to come from you.I'm sorry that I misunderstood what you said and I'm sorry that I didn't do what you wanted me to.

I try to think of the bad things in a positive way and I know you don't like that but I don't like how you speak to me so I'm going to do it anyway.You're stubborn yourself so you shouldn't judge me.

I think of myself as a daisy.I'm made up of petals.Every time you want from me I give you a petal but I've given so much I've none left.All that's left is the yellow centre.I know how you'd view that.Useless.But really I've got a lot left.The centre is where all the nectar is.Although I don't always give it is spread without me knowing.You need to do the same,step out of the greenhouse and into the real world.I'll be okay,my petals will grow back.

I'm sorry that I let you down but I'm always here if you need.Please don't forget that.If you come crawling back I won't turn you away.I'm sorry that this is written here but I've got to get it out somehow.

Nandri

I sat on the warm stone steps.My legs stretched out and my hands by my sides.I heard the crickets sing and watched the heat radiate from the dusty ground.The trees barely moved and the monkeys patrolled across the black stone wall.The stiff grass peeked through the dust and the washed out chalk coulors remained from the day we were first welcomed.

I sat still.My skin red and my eyes squinted.My hair frizzed in the heat.My hands sweated and stuck to the steps.I watched as the world passed me by.I watched as the students played volleyball with recycled plastic bags.I didn't flinch at the sight.I saw the enthusiasm in their faces and the competition between them.I watched as a woman hung her washing out to dry and as a local man ambled by on his bike.


I sat and appreciated what was around me.I didn't long for more.I appreciated that God was at work and I was oblivious to the horror outside of the gates.I was content in a way that I have never felt before.As I sat there I didn't worry about how I looked or what I sounded like.I didn't feel stupid but blessed instead.I didn't care that I was sitting by myself or that I wasn't talking to anyone.I wasn't worried that time was passing slowly but instead I embraced it.


I long to go back again,to feel the same way.I feel I belong there in a way that I don't feel here.I know I must wait but it's days like this that I become impatient.I pray that I'll get there again someday.I thank God so much for putting me there to begin with and planting this place in my heart.


Nandri <3

6%

Today I bumped into some of the kids I looked after in the Creche last year.I was shocked at how much they had grown up.They didn't recognise me,I had changed a lot too.


I said hello to them and they looked at me funny(which was awkward)and I walked away.As I was walking I began to think about how much has changed in the last year.It's crazy to think about it!!I'm like a different person now.When I worked in that creche I was terrified and shy.I waited to be told what to do and I barely spoke to the other staff.I loved the kids but I was so concerned with doing things the 'right' way but not my way.I took home all of their problems and worried about some of them.I prayed for them.I prayed that they would grow up to be confident people with good values and I prayed that they had good relationships with their families when they were at home.These were things I worried about so much and it was so heart warming to see those kids with their parents today.They were happy as could be.God really answers prayer.


This time last year I was faced with my end of year exams.I didn't care how I did.I was doing the exams because I felt I had to.I felt like I was dumped in my course randomly,it was a stupid course with no career prospects.I went to college and I had a few friends but most of the relationships I had were shallow.I let my self get into the most un loving relationship I could have because I thought so little of myself.I let myself become a doormat who collected all the mud and dust from the other person while they trampled all over me.I know I was crucial to that relationship and I learned so much from it.I can see that now.I can appreciate that it helped me grow up and appreciate my own worth.I know now that I don't need someone else to make me worthwhile.That'll happen when the time is right.This year I have made some of the best friends I could ever have asked for! :)(That's not to sound cheesy,I mean it genuinely!)I feel like I've found myself and I know exactly what I stand for.


I'm now facing my exams with fear and nerves.I so badly want to do well.My course has become my life.My heart is in Deaf mode and I have a passion for helping where I can.I have been given a second chance!God has been the one to let that happen and without him it wouldn't have been possible.He found the money and he gave me the confidence to get over the initial failure and realise that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be.He made me realise that sometimes you need to be grateful for the opportunity instead of ungrateful for the mess that meant you needed him to pull you out.Sometimes God is like my armbands in the swimming pool.I know that I can't swim very well but I'm embarassed that if I wear God for all to see others will laugh,I should concentrate on the fact that I need him to keep me a float.

So I've decided that tomorrow's exam is a blessing,an opportunity to show the world that I was made to do this.A chance to prove that I'm meant to be here too!6% more,that's all I need but I don't want to scrape the barell,I want to glorify God through it all.I want him to know that I appreciate the strength and opportunity that he has given me!


'Sometimes it's the brick that made you stumble and graze your knee that you can use as a step to help you climb the wall that's in your way' :)

Also,I think this song really reflects how I'm feeling...hope you enjoy! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgovv8jWETM

Noam Chomsky

Okay,Noam Chomsky is this language acquisition theorist ( note that his name sounds like Nomi,a common joke in college).He believes that there is a critical period in which a person can learn a language with ease.Within this period they can get a grasp on grammar rules almost subconsciously but outside of it it seems more difficult.I haven't decided if I fully agree with him yet.I always found french and Irish hard in school but never had a problem with English,only that I wrote too much.I think to put an upper limit on something might be a bit harsh.


I think that and then I think again.There's an age where you begin to stop playing with your barbie dolls and give them away.There's an age when you realize the bells you thought you heard on the roof every christmas eve were just your imagination and the red dots on your face are not freckles but a sign that you're growing up.


There comes a time when you have to throw that old yoghurt out of the fridge and when your 7up has gone to flat to drink.There comes a day when those rosy cheeks your parents told you were cute need to be hidden from society and there comes a stage when you have to consider whether or not you can really make someone believe what you want them to.


I was hanging out with a friend today and it seems like they think that Christianity is something you just grow out of.They think you reach a certain age and it's not relevant anymore.Stories like Noah's ark are for kids and anything after that is none of their concern.Singing songs at beach missions was nice but once you have to step up and lead it's not for you.I don't know for sure but that's the way it seems.


As I grew up my opinions shifted from believing what my parents and teachers told me straight off to going and finding out for myself.I remember my mum told me a Greenday song mentioned drugs and as a wannabe rocker yet obedient oldest daughter I made it my business to find out for myself.(The song did mention drugs but I never admitted it,I could get away with the hoody but put drugs into the equation and it was a goner!)It was at this stage that I decided I could listen to what I wanted,I was my own free person.I had surpassed the stage where my parents had complete control.


I guess there is a certain progression there and a stage that you move on from.I used to believe everything I heard about God until I reached a point where I questioned it all and it made me look deeper into things,I guess in a sense that was my critical period.It all happened at the right time and now that I'm outside of it I find it hard to see why I had those doubts.What I'm going to explain next will seem critical and if you're reading this I don't want you to think I haven't asked spiritual questions myself.


So I spend most weekends having conversations with one of my friends.They ask me numerous questions that I struggle to answer about faith and God and the church.Usually things that never bother me,'why does my brother get to go out and have fun while I study?' or 'why do people have a good time for years and then decide they want to be Christians when they're too old to do it anymore?'.I see these things that as part of God's plan.The topics get bigger and bigger,'why does God allow suffering?','why me?".it goes on and on.It tires me out and most times I come away feeling upset and dissapointed.I care a lot about this person and it upsets me to the point that I cry sometimes.


I don't mind talking about these things,as a friend that's what I'm there for and as a Christian I'm a constant witness.When someone in college asks me about my faith I have no problem sharing.When a stranger asks me I have no problem.It's when it's closer to home that it's harder to explain yourself.When you're talking to someone and the friendship between you started based on your belief it can be really difficult.


At the beginning I used to thrive on it,knowing God was using me to help get them back on track.Today I feel almost like I've outlived my critical period.I don't know if I'm any good anymore.I still answer in the same way and with the same passion and conviction that I had before but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere.It's like when I used to learn french and I would learn off all the verbs with the same enthusiasm every time but I could never get a grasp on them.It's like I have all the vocabulary but not the structure to put it all together in such a way to win my friend back.I feel like maybe I need a new teaching method or a new illustration.When I'm teaching sign or religion I relate everything back to real life.This is my friends life though and it's hard to compare real with real.I know he's put her in this stage for a reason but it's hard for me to explain that.Stage and phase are very short term words and I fear that they think even if they return to God it'll be a short-lived thing.


How do you convince someone that God is for every phase of your life?He's not just there to look after you in the early days while you learn how to walk and talk and he's not just there when you and your boyfriend are getting along really well.He doesn't set upper limits and he loves you regardless of your age or what you've done.My friend is much smarter than I will ever be but they don't seem to get that.


I realize this post seems a bit down beat and I don't mean it to.I find writing things down makes it clearer in my head and even if I don't publish posts my mind is clearer afterwards.I'm honored that I'm an ambassador for God!Ambassador is a big word and one that suggests prestige but also a lot of responsibility.I guess what I need to remember is that God has made me his ambassador for life not just for a critical period and I have a duty to do that.I'm an ambassador and not God himself,I can promote him and work to please him but he has the control.He decides what happens.Ultimately he is in control.

Nalachi Pakalum

I should be studying but I'm wrecked and scared.Whenever I get scared of something I want to run away.I have great escape routes thought out in my head,I'll pack up this college nonsense and take what I already know somewhere else.Where I really want to be is India!I've been pushing the thought to the back of my mind for ages now,knowing that it's not my time to go back yet.I was talking to a friend today who has been there too.He thinks I'm crazy for loving it so much and can't understand why I'd ever want to go back.

So why do I want to go back?In all honestly I can't put in to words the feeling that I get even thinking about it.Even writing this I am grinning at the thought.I have butterflies in my tummy and my heart is pounding,not in that weird 'I've just run a mile' kinda way but the way it does when something super exciting is about to happen.Just thinking about it I'm imagining hundreds of sincere smiling faces greeting me on street corners.I'm remembering the little hands that reached up to touch mine.I'm remembering the warmth and generosity that welcomed me and I'm remembering the humble talents that were everywhere to be seen.


I'm remembering the silk material that clung to my skin and the monkeys that stole our food.I'm remembering the fascination people found in my red face and my then blonde hair(even if people pulled at it during church services!).I'm remembering the cool breeze that swept across my face as we drove through the village and the horror when we nearly crashed into a cow.I'm remembering the dusty ground that destroyed my flipflops and the dry grass that met with it at the edges.I'm remembering the tamil church hymns that I didn't understand and the smell of curry that surrounded the place.I'm remembering the plastic keyboard that only played a few notes but the passion that came from the people in their singing.I remember the burning sun that made my arms all red and the dogs that I ran away from for fear I'd get rabies.I remember the stick I had to carry to scare of snakes and I remember being a completely different person to who I am now.

I remember the scorching sun and the smell of insect repellent.I remember the ghecko's and frogs in the shower.I remember the pink stains the toothpaste would leave on my teeth because I couldn't use the tap water to wash it off.I remember the electricity that would come and go and the horrible bread that tasted like bananas.I remember eating curry for breakfast and the red bricks that scarred my hands and arms.


I remember all these things but mostly I remember the people that stole my heart.I remember the students who had so little but still shared with me.I remember their fascination with the things  I take for granted.I remember their genuine concern for my spotty,teenage skin.I remember their warm smiles and their attempts to teach me Tamil.I remember their stories and wish I knew them all,some so heartbreaking.I remember their graciousness and patience.They taught me so so much.


I remember Shiela who's house I helped build and the letter she sent me a year later on green floral paper.I remember her  humble nature and devotion to her son.I remember the horror in her face when she told me about her late husband and I remember holding back the tears while I listened.I remember she splashed water on my face and I worked hard in the heat and I remember her describing hunger and a bell jingling in her stomach.She turned everything into a positive.

I remember the kids that lived next door to her and the sheer delight in their faces when I gave them my disposable camera.I remember how the were so enthusiastic about learning about the Bible and it made me want to share the same excitement.They knew the father Abraham song of by heart and they sang it to us with such pride.I remember the prickly grass that 'beef jerkey' the cow grazed on and the flea bites that we got from sitting in the sand.I remember we bought them a ball and all their christmas' came at once.


I remember the Venket who looked after us all and the happiness in his face when he realised he had made a new friend.I remember his wife and her lovely nature.I remember how after every meal he told us we had just eaten snake and I loved his sense of humour.I remember how his hands were curled from the leprosy he had overcome and his feet were the same.I remember how he never let it get in his way.

I remember the calls from the mosque at 5 in the morning and it made me realise that I have it so easy.I remember some people telling me that they shared my God but I knew they had other gods too.This made me sad but I continued to explain.


I remember the new born babies that I visited in the hospital.So tiny and vulnerable,I wanted to take them home with me but that would be stealing.I remember the man who was wounded from leprosy and the bandages wrapped all over his body.I wanted to help him but there was no way I could.


I remember the man with no legs and the motivation he showed me.He continued to run a business by himself.He put his dissability behind him and got on with life,if he didn't his family would have no income.

I remember the appreciativeness in the faces of the students as we offered them Bibles.They took such good care of them and even after 2 years they still treasured them.Here we take it for granted.The Bible is ready and available to us and in a sense at our disposal.


There are so many people and things I remember and I could keep writing all day.I long to go back so badly.I feel like I keep reaching and nearly getting a grasp of the opportunity but it keeps being snatched from me.


I think we can learn so much from people in India.It's okay to not run to a schedule.It's okay to sit on your porch and watch.It's okay to walk into your neighbours house.It's a good thing to treat everyone like part of your family and it's amazing to share what little you might have.You see,people gave me funding to go to India three times,to help the people out there I feel terrible for taking this now.I know what I did impacted them to an extent but the effect these people had on me can never be put into words.They have made me who I am and shaped  what I believe.They changed me in every aspect.I was so reluctant to go their at the start and I know God sent me there for a reason.I know he placed each and every one of those people in my journey so I could learn and I know that I have friends that I will never forget.I know it will return some day I just must remain patient.