Nalachi Pakalum

I should be studying but I'm wrecked and scared.Whenever I get scared of something I want to run away.I have great escape routes thought out in my head,I'll pack up this college nonsense and take what I already know somewhere else.Where I really want to be is India!I've been pushing the thought to the back of my mind for ages now,knowing that it's not my time to go back yet.I was talking to a friend today who has been there too.He thinks I'm crazy for loving it so much and can't understand why I'd ever want to go back.

So why do I want to go back?In all honestly I can't put in to words the feeling that I get even thinking about it.Even writing this I am grinning at the thought.I have butterflies in my tummy and my heart is pounding,not in that weird 'I've just run a mile' kinda way but the way it does when something super exciting is about to happen.Just thinking about it I'm imagining hundreds of sincere smiling faces greeting me on street corners.I'm remembering the little hands that reached up to touch mine.I'm remembering the warmth and generosity that welcomed me and I'm remembering the humble talents that were everywhere to be seen.


I'm remembering the silk material that clung to my skin and the monkeys that stole our food.I'm remembering the fascination people found in my red face and my then blonde hair(even if people pulled at it during church services!).I'm remembering the cool breeze that swept across my face as we drove through the village and the horror when we nearly crashed into a cow.I'm remembering the dusty ground that destroyed my flipflops and the dry grass that met with it at the edges.I'm remembering the tamil church hymns that I didn't understand and the smell of curry that surrounded the place.I'm remembering the plastic keyboard that only played a few notes but the passion that came from the people in their singing.I remember the burning sun that made my arms all red and the dogs that I ran away from for fear I'd get rabies.I remember the stick I had to carry to scare of snakes and I remember being a completely different person to who I am now.

I remember the scorching sun and the smell of insect repellent.I remember the ghecko's and frogs in the shower.I remember the pink stains the toothpaste would leave on my teeth because I couldn't use the tap water to wash it off.I remember the electricity that would come and go and the horrible bread that tasted like bananas.I remember eating curry for breakfast and the red bricks that scarred my hands and arms.


I remember all these things but mostly I remember the people that stole my heart.I remember the students who had so little but still shared with me.I remember their fascination with the things  I take for granted.I remember their genuine concern for my spotty,teenage skin.I remember their warm smiles and their attempts to teach me Tamil.I remember their stories and wish I knew them all,some so heartbreaking.I remember their graciousness and patience.They taught me so so much.


I remember Shiela who's house I helped build and the letter she sent me a year later on green floral paper.I remember her  humble nature and devotion to her son.I remember the horror in her face when she told me about her late husband and I remember holding back the tears while I listened.I remember she splashed water on my face and I worked hard in the heat and I remember her describing hunger and a bell jingling in her stomach.She turned everything into a positive.

I remember the kids that lived next door to her and the sheer delight in their faces when I gave them my disposable camera.I remember how the were so enthusiastic about learning about the Bible and it made me want to share the same excitement.They knew the father Abraham song of by heart and they sang it to us with such pride.I remember the prickly grass that 'beef jerkey' the cow grazed on and the flea bites that we got from sitting in the sand.I remember we bought them a ball and all their christmas' came at once.


I remember the Venket who looked after us all and the happiness in his face when he realised he had made a new friend.I remember his wife and her lovely nature.I remember how after every meal he told us we had just eaten snake and I loved his sense of humour.I remember how his hands were curled from the leprosy he had overcome and his feet were the same.I remember how he never let it get in his way.

I remember the calls from the mosque at 5 in the morning and it made me realise that I have it so easy.I remember some people telling me that they shared my God but I knew they had other gods too.This made me sad but I continued to explain.


I remember the new born babies that I visited in the hospital.So tiny and vulnerable,I wanted to take them home with me but that would be stealing.I remember the man who was wounded from leprosy and the bandages wrapped all over his body.I wanted to help him but there was no way I could.


I remember the man with no legs and the motivation he showed me.He continued to run a business by himself.He put his dissability behind him and got on with life,if he didn't his family would have no income.

I remember the appreciativeness in the faces of the students as we offered them Bibles.They took such good care of them and even after 2 years they still treasured them.Here we take it for granted.The Bible is ready and available to us and in a sense at our disposal.


There are so many people and things I remember and I could keep writing all day.I long to go back so badly.I feel like I keep reaching and nearly getting a grasp of the opportunity but it keeps being snatched from me.


I think we can learn so much from people in India.It's okay to not run to a schedule.It's okay to sit on your porch and watch.It's okay to walk into your neighbours house.It's a good thing to treat everyone like part of your family and it's amazing to share what little you might have.You see,people gave me funding to go to India three times,to help the people out there I feel terrible for taking this now.I know what I did impacted them to an extent but the effect these people had on me can never be put into words.They have made me who I am and shaped  what I believe.They changed me in every aspect.I was so reluctant to go their at the start and I know God sent me there for a reason.I know he placed each and every one of those people in my journey so I could learn and I know that I have friends that I will never forget.I know it will return some day I just must remain patient.