Sometimes I can't help but feel that I'm being left behind.I'm running the race of life but I'm coming in behind everyone else.I've got the good runners but they're getting me nowhere,I look the part but I still can't win.Good things are happening,the path is smooth but the I hit a sharp corner,my optimism doesn't expect it and I'm down with a crash.
I don't want to be the red faced friend that rubs you on the back when you're upset but have to sit by myself when I am.I don't want to smile and sort everything out so that you can progress but know that I'll never change.I don't want to be the one who's painfully shy and sits and watches while you wrap yourself around any guy you can find.I don't want to be like that either but I don't want to sit like a wall flower in the corner,a decoration with little to give.That's what it feels like,I'm there to be looked at but nothing more.I don't want to be the joker but never the friend.I don't want to just be funny,I want to be cool.I don't want to be the lyrics,I want to be the song.I want to be pretty,not just have pretty clothes.I want to escape but something's holding me back.I want to be your friend not your rucksack,why can't you carry your own crap?!
I want to feel important,not just like every other person.I want you to run with me not miles ahead because you know I won't mind.Coming last is fine,I'll joke it off,I always do.Failing is inevitable in life,right?Everyone knows that?!I say that but sometimes I have to work hard to convince myself that it's true.
I want to surf like nobody has before,find my thing that nobody can take me down on.I wanna be great at something that's not teaching or telling people they're fantastic or writing peoples essays for which I don't get the credit.I wanna find that thing right now.I want to excel and be the one at the front of the race.
I want to be more than just the super milk that hangs in the back of the fridge.I want people to realise that nobody can have everything.It's okay to have compassion but not confidence,it's okay to love McFly and not Bon Iver.It's okay to smell like Eternity and not Chanel and it's okay to prefer John to Edward,it's okay to want to stay home and not go out.It's okay to not mind being by yourself and it's okay to go for a walk in a dress.It's okay to be the mature one sometimes and it's okay to have made mistakes,that's what I tell myself anyway?!
I want to surprise people in some way,I don't want them to become complacent with the way I am.Mostly, I wish I didn't feel that I needed people's approval.I wish I didn't care what they thought.I wish I was just running the race for fun not for competition.I wish I could say all these things to you and explain how you've upset me but I know I'd stutter.I can write for hours and I never forget where I'm going.I know I will win this race some day,when it's my time I've just gotta keep training.
Monday, 25 June 2012
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Switchfoot
It's crazy how things change so much.In a good way!Without me even realising it,it is already the 12th of June.The 12th of June!!For years this was such a significant date for me,one I would always remember,even when doing my leaving.There's nothing hugely special about it but it marked a time in my life and a point in someone else's too.We can look back and laugh at it now,seemed so serious at the time.It seemed like the decisions I made when I was 16 were going to change my life forever,that the things I said were going to be so influential.Looking back now,I realise,it didn't even matter.
It's so reassuring that things can change so drastically.People move on and you realise you can live through what you thought was a broken heart.I just laugh about it now.
It gives me so much hope that I can get through this awful phase.I can tackle anything.I thought I'd never get over that particular stumbling block and I really did,I left it all behind!
So,life,whatever you have to throw at me,bring it!!
It's so reassuring that things can change so drastically.People move on and you realise you can live through what you thought was a broken heart.I just laugh about it now.
It gives me so much hope that I can get through this awful phase.I can tackle anything.I thought I'd never get over that particular stumbling block and I really did,I left it all behind!
So,life,whatever you have to throw at me,bring it!!
Monday, 11 June 2012
Rich Tea
It's that dry feeling in my mouth.That anxious butterfly feeling in my tummy.That up-turned lip when I look in the mirror.That empty hand when I walk down the road.It's that feeling watching movies by myself and not talking to you the whole way through.It's that frustration that makes me run on the treadmill when I won't even run to catch the bus.
It's that heart pumping feeling I get when you brush against my arm,taken away.It's that mystery in your eyes that tells me it's okay-gone.It's your stupid shoes that I pretend to like,I've realised I actually kinda do.I can never admit it though,not to your face anyway,not now anyway.I'm like a carton of Ribena with all the juice sucked out.I'm like a rich tea biscuit,plain and boring without you.
I miss your constant chatting and the way you say anything just to get me to talk.I miss our awkward hugs and the way I never know what to do.I miss that you're not a part of my life anymore.I miss our collective indecision and the way you always say Ladies first.I miss the way you hate my music but pretend you don't mind just to be polite.I miss sharing my dreams and aspirations with you,even though we both know they're so far fetched.
I miss sitting with you for hours on end,just because we can.I miss how I felt the need to look away when you leaned in towards me and the way you walked close behind me.I miss the weird things you eat and the clothes you wear that are too cool for me.
I miss that I could tell you everything.I miss that even when I was freezing you would never share your hoody and the way it would annoy me that you could be so selfish.I miss getting annoyed at you over the stupid things you do.I miss how you scrunched up your nose and said nothing when I suggested something silly.I miss how it was so unlikely that we became friends to start with.
It's that warm feeling when I see you smile-gone.It's that fuzzy feeling in my tummy,no more.It's that extra 5 mins getting ready in the morning,I now spend asleep in bed.It's knowing that you're still my best friend and I'm not yours and that sinking feeling I get.It's not bothering to charge up my phone because I know I won't hear from you.It's the longing I have for a bottle of coke,but I'm allergic to caffeine.It's my favourite navy cardigan that went missing,now I've nothing to wear with loads of my dresses,having you by my side is my favourite look.Nothing makes me feel more confident than when you're there.
It's that heart pumping feeling I get when you brush against my arm,taken away.It's that mystery in your eyes that tells me it's okay-gone.It's your stupid shoes that I pretend to like,I've realised I actually kinda do.I can never admit it though,not to your face anyway,not now anyway.I'm like a carton of Ribena with all the juice sucked out.I'm like a rich tea biscuit,plain and boring without you.
I miss your constant chatting and the way you say anything just to get me to talk.I miss our awkward hugs and the way I never know what to do.I miss that you're not a part of my life anymore.I miss our collective indecision and the way you always say Ladies first.I miss the way you hate my music but pretend you don't mind just to be polite.I miss sharing my dreams and aspirations with you,even though we both know they're so far fetched.
I miss sitting with you for hours on end,just because we can.I miss how I felt the need to look away when you leaned in towards me and the way you walked close behind me.I miss the weird things you eat and the clothes you wear that are too cool for me.
I miss that I could tell you everything.I miss that even when I was freezing you would never share your hoody and the way it would annoy me that you could be so selfish.I miss getting annoyed at you over the stupid things you do.I miss how you scrunched up your nose and said nothing when I suggested something silly.I miss how it was so unlikely that we became friends to start with.
It's that warm feeling when I see you smile-gone.It's that fuzzy feeling in my tummy,no more.It's that extra 5 mins getting ready in the morning,I now spend asleep in bed.It's knowing that you're still my best friend and I'm not yours and that sinking feeling I get.It's not bothering to charge up my phone because I know I won't hear from you.It's the longing I have for a bottle of coke,but I'm allergic to caffeine.It's my favourite navy cardigan that went missing,now I've nothing to wear with loads of my dresses,having you by my side is my favourite look.Nothing makes me feel more confident than when you're there.
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
84x
'Good things come to those who wait!'-yeah,that's true,but why do some people have to wait so long?I've had a pretty rough week in terms of dissapointments,usually I take them on the chin but last night I decided I'd had enough.Sometimes you've gotta just cry it out as stupid as it feels.It's okay to show that you're not a robot even when some people think you are.
I kinda feel like I've been waiting for a long time,sitting on a hard bench at a bus stop.Buses pass me by but it's never the one I want.I've got on a few of the wrong ones but before too long I'm back at the bench.I have my own little timetable,I've picked out which bus I want to come and what time I want it to come at but life doesn't work like that.I want my bus to be pink and green and flowery and full of nice people that I can chat to.I want it to come as soon as I've sat down on the bench.I've been sitting here a long time but the buses that have passed are blue and boring,they aren't going where I want to go.Sometimes a bus will stop and I'll think about getting on but spend too long trying to rummage together the funds,so long that I've missed it.It's gone and it doesn't come back.I'm patient but I don't like waiting in the rain.It's easy to sit in the sun when other good things are happening,you don't mind if the bus is a bit delayed.This week I feel like I'm sitting in the hail stones at my country bus stop,they keep pounding down on me but the bus never comes.They make my clothes damp and there is no sun to dry them off,nothing to cheer me up.
'Your life hasn't been treating you too well'-that's what my mum says.She's right but it's out of my control.I told her I feel like I'm waiting and she says I'll just have to wait a bit longer.
What am I even waiting for?A job,a licence,an answer,an escape?Do I even need all of these things?I'm waiting in the rain but maybe if I walked back home I'd see that I have everything I need?These things are what I want,what my heart is telling me I need.Should I just listen to my head instead?
I'm so grateful for the opportunities that have come my way and I know more will come soon.I have the greatest friends I could ever ask for and I know they don't care how much of an idiot I look sitting at the bus stop for hours on end.Most of them get that I'm stubborn enough not to give up.
I worry that people will become so accustomed with me never reaching my full potential.Will take for granted that I will never leave the bus stop.People will stop asking my plans because they know they will never happen.People will drive past and think that I will always be there.I worry that they won't admire my optimism but instead take me for a fool.I don't want that, I want them to know that I know God is at the bus terminus and he will send my pink flowery one when he is ready.It'll be an express one and will only stop where I need it to.It might take me somewhere I'm not planning and people I wasn't expecting might hop on.I might have to share it with people I don't want to but he'll send it all the same.While I wait I can prepare myself for what's to come.Reflect on all the good stuff!Listen to switchfoot and think about some of the ridiculous mistakes I've made and the people who have walked in and out of my life.I can think about how much these people have changed me for the better.I can appreciate that inside me there is an adventurer waiting to escape not just another boring commuter.
Hopefully while I wait I will come across other people waiting for their buses,hopefully we can be friends.Hopefully we can sit and chat and drink Ribena in the sun.Hopefully I can hear their stories and help them in some way,maybe lend them money for their fare or lend them my umbrella in the rain.
Most of all I hope while I wait that I never forget I'm not waiting by myself,my best friend is always there,His dad is working at the terminus but he's been sent to keep and eye on me.He's been sent but he wants to come.He wants to sit and listen to me moan and receive my awkward hugs.He doesn't care if my hair is all frizzy from the rain and he doesn't care how long I talk for,He'll just sit and listen.He knows how much I'm struggling but he'll carry my heavy bag when I walk home everyday when the bus hasn't shown up.He'll watch kitchen hero with me and won't care that I've no interest in the food but he'll know that ultimately he is my hero and not Donal.
'Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord' <3
I kinda feel like I've been waiting for a long time,sitting on a hard bench at a bus stop.Buses pass me by but it's never the one I want.I've got on a few of the wrong ones but before too long I'm back at the bench.I have my own little timetable,I've picked out which bus I want to come and what time I want it to come at but life doesn't work like that.I want my bus to be pink and green and flowery and full of nice people that I can chat to.I want it to come as soon as I've sat down on the bench.I've been sitting here a long time but the buses that have passed are blue and boring,they aren't going where I want to go.Sometimes a bus will stop and I'll think about getting on but spend too long trying to rummage together the funds,so long that I've missed it.It's gone and it doesn't come back.I'm patient but I don't like waiting in the rain.It's easy to sit in the sun when other good things are happening,you don't mind if the bus is a bit delayed.This week I feel like I'm sitting in the hail stones at my country bus stop,they keep pounding down on me but the bus never comes.They make my clothes damp and there is no sun to dry them off,nothing to cheer me up.
'Your life hasn't been treating you too well'-that's what my mum says.She's right but it's out of my control.I told her I feel like I'm waiting and she says I'll just have to wait a bit longer.
What am I even waiting for?A job,a licence,an answer,an escape?Do I even need all of these things?I'm waiting in the rain but maybe if I walked back home I'd see that I have everything I need?These things are what I want,what my heart is telling me I need.Should I just listen to my head instead?
I'm so grateful for the opportunities that have come my way and I know more will come soon.I have the greatest friends I could ever ask for and I know they don't care how much of an idiot I look sitting at the bus stop for hours on end.Most of them get that I'm stubborn enough not to give up.
I worry that people will become so accustomed with me never reaching my full potential.Will take for granted that I will never leave the bus stop.People will stop asking my plans because they know they will never happen.People will drive past and think that I will always be there.I worry that they won't admire my optimism but instead take me for a fool.I don't want that, I want them to know that I know God is at the bus terminus and he will send my pink flowery one when he is ready.It'll be an express one and will only stop where I need it to.It might take me somewhere I'm not planning and people I wasn't expecting might hop on.I might have to share it with people I don't want to but he'll send it all the same.While I wait I can prepare myself for what's to come.Reflect on all the good stuff!Listen to switchfoot and think about some of the ridiculous mistakes I've made and the people who have walked in and out of my life.I can think about how much these people have changed me for the better.I can appreciate that inside me there is an adventurer waiting to escape not just another boring commuter.
Hopefully while I wait I will come across other people waiting for their buses,hopefully we can be friends.Hopefully we can sit and chat and drink Ribena in the sun.Hopefully I can hear their stories and help them in some way,maybe lend them money for their fare or lend them my umbrella in the rain.
Most of all I hope while I wait that I never forget I'm not waiting by myself,my best friend is always there,His dad is working at the terminus but he's been sent to keep and eye on me.He's been sent but he wants to come.He wants to sit and listen to me moan and receive my awkward hugs.He doesn't care if my hair is all frizzy from the rain and he doesn't care how long I talk for,He'll just sit and listen.He knows how much I'm struggling but he'll carry my heavy bag when I walk home everyday when the bus hasn't shown up.He'll watch kitchen hero with me and won't care that I've no interest in the food but he'll know that ultimately he is my hero and not Donal.
'Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord' <3
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Edinburgh
I'm sorry that I'm not a good enough friend.I'm sorry that I can't buy you the things you want.I'm sorry that I'd prefer to be honest than small talk with your parents.I'm sorry that I don't hug you.I'm sorry that I'm always a dissapointment and I'm sorry that I don't live far enough away to hop on a plane home and surprise you.I'm sorry that I refuse to deny what I believe and I'm sorry that I let other things be part of my life aside from you.
I'm sorry that I don't give you my undivided attention and I'm sorry that you don't appreciate that you're always in my prayers.I'm sorry that I hold things back to protect you and I'm sorry that my hours of listening weren't any help.I'm sorry that I told you everything,I wish you had told me that you didn't want to know.I'm sorry that my family took you under their wing,if you didn't like it you should have said.
I'm sorry that you think I'm stupid,I try my best but I can't do much more.I'm sorry that to you my opinion is worthless and I'm sorry that I ever tried my hardest that day.
I'm sorry that you feel the way you feel,I can't fix you,it has to come from you.I'm sorry that I misunderstood what you said and I'm sorry that I didn't do what you wanted me to.
I try to think of the bad things in a positive way and I know you don't like that but I don't like how you speak to me so I'm going to do it anyway.You're stubborn yourself so you shouldn't judge me.
I think of myself as a daisy.I'm made up of petals.Every time you want from me I give you a petal but I've given so much I've none left.All that's left is the yellow centre.I know how you'd view that.Useless.But really I've got a lot left.The centre is where all the nectar is.Although I don't always give it is spread without me knowing.You need to do the same,step out of the greenhouse and into the real world.I'll be okay,my petals will grow back.
I'm sorry that I let you down but I'm always here if you need.Please don't forget that.If you come crawling back I won't turn you away.I'm sorry that this is written here but I've got to get it out somehow.
I'm sorry that I don't give you my undivided attention and I'm sorry that you don't appreciate that you're always in my prayers.I'm sorry that I hold things back to protect you and I'm sorry that my hours of listening weren't any help.I'm sorry that I told you everything,I wish you had told me that you didn't want to know.I'm sorry that my family took you under their wing,if you didn't like it you should have said.
I'm sorry that you think I'm stupid,I try my best but I can't do much more.I'm sorry that to you my opinion is worthless and I'm sorry that I ever tried my hardest that day.
I'm sorry that you feel the way you feel,I can't fix you,it has to come from you.I'm sorry that I misunderstood what you said and I'm sorry that I didn't do what you wanted me to.
I try to think of the bad things in a positive way and I know you don't like that but I don't like how you speak to me so I'm going to do it anyway.You're stubborn yourself so you shouldn't judge me.
I think of myself as a daisy.I'm made up of petals.Every time you want from me I give you a petal but I've given so much I've none left.All that's left is the yellow centre.I know how you'd view that.Useless.But really I've got a lot left.The centre is where all the nectar is.Although I don't always give it is spread without me knowing.You need to do the same,step out of the greenhouse and into the real world.I'll be okay,my petals will grow back.
I'm sorry that I let you down but I'm always here if you need.Please don't forget that.If you come crawling back I won't turn you away.I'm sorry that this is written here but I've got to get it out somehow.
Nandri
I sat on the warm stone steps.My legs stretched out and my hands by my sides.I heard the crickets sing and watched the heat radiate from the dusty ground.The trees barely moved and the monkeys patrolled across the black stone wall.The stiff grass peeked through the dust and the washed out chalk coulors remained from the day we were first welcomed.
I sat still.My skin red and my eyes squinted.My hair frizzed in the heat.My hands sweated and stuck to the steps.I watched as the world passed me by.I watched as the students played volleyball with recycled plastic bags.I didn't flinch at the sight.I saw the enthusiasm in their faces and the competition between them.I watched as a woman hung her washing out to dry and as a local man ambled by on his bike.
I sat and appreciated what was around me.I didn't long for more.I appreciated that God was at work and I was oblivious to the horror outside of the gates.I was content in a way that I have never felt before.As I sat there I didn't worry about how I looked or what I sounded like.I didn't feel stupid but blessed instead.I didn't care that I was sitting by myself or that I wasn't talking to anyone.I wasn't worried that time was passing slowly but instead I embraced it.
I long to go back again,to feel the same way.I feel I belong there in a way that I don't feel here.I know I must wait but it's days like this that I become impatient.I pray that I'll get there again someday.I thank God so much for putting me there to begin with and planting this place in my heart.
Nandri <3
I sat and appreciated what was around me.I didn't long for more.I appreciated that God was at work and I was oblivious to the horror outside of the gates.I was content in a way that I have never felt before.As I sat there I didn't worry about how I looked or what I sounded like.I didn't feel stupid but blessed instead.I didn't care that I was sitting by myself or that I wasn't talking to anyone.I wasn't worried that time was passing slowly but instead I embraced it.
I long to go back again,to feel the same way.I feel I belong there in a way that I don't feel here.I know I must wait but it's days like this that I become impatient.I pray that I'll get there again someday.I thank God so much for putting me there to begin with and planting this place in my heart.
Nandri <3
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
6%
Today I bumped into some of the kids I looked after in the Creche last year.I was shocked at how much they had grown up.They didn't recognise me,I had changed a lot too.
I said hello to them and they looked at me funny(which was awkward)and I walked away.As I was walking I began to think about how much has changed in the last year.It's crazy to think about it!!I'm like a different person now.When I worked in that creche I was terrified and shy.I waited to be told what to do and I barely spoke to the other staff.I loved the kids but I was so concerned with doing things the 'right' way but not my way.I took home all of their problems and worried about some of them.I prayed for them.I prayed that they would grow up to be confident people with good values and I prayed that they had good relationships with their families when they were at home.These were things I worried about so much and it was so heart warming to see those kids with their parents today.They were happy as could be.God really answers prayer.
This time last year I was faced with my end of year exams.I didn't care how I did.I was doing the exams because I felt I had to.I felt like I was dumped in my course randomly,it was a stupid course with no career prospects.I went to college and I had a few friends but most of the relationships I had were shallow.I let my self get into the most un loving relationship I could have because I thought so little of myself.I let myself become a doormat who collected all the mud and dust from the other person while they trampled all over me.I know I was crucial to that relationship and I learned so much from it.I can see that now.I can appreciate that it helped me grow up and appreciate my own worth.I know now that I don't need someone else to make me worthwhile.That'll happen when the time is right.This year I have made some of the best friends I could ever have asked for! :)(That's not to sound cheesy,I mean it genuinely!)I feel like I've found myself and I know exactly what I stand for.
I'm now facing my exams with fear and nerves.I so badly want to do well.My course has become my life.My heart is in Deaf mode and I have a passion for helping where I can.I have been given a second chance!God has been the one to let that happen and without him it wouldn't have been possible.He found the money and he gave me the confidence to get over the initial failure and realise that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be.He made me realise that sometimes you need to be grateful for the opportunity instead of ungrateful for the mess that meant you needed him to pull you out.Sometimes God is like my armbands in the swimming pool.I know that I can't swim very well but I'm embarassed that if I wear God for all to see others will laugh,I should concentrate on the fact that I need him to keep me a float.
So I've decided that tomorrow's exam is a blessing,an opportunity to show the world that I was made to do this.A chance to prove that I'm meant to be here too!6% more,that's all I need but I don't want to scrape the barell,I want to glorify God through it all.I want him to know that I appreciate the strength and opportunity that he has given me!
'Sometimes it's the brick that made you stumble and graze your knee that you can use as a step to help you climb the wall that's in your way' :)
Also,I think this song really reflects how I'm feeling...hope you enjoy! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgovv8jWETM
I said hello to them and they looked at me funny(which was awkward)and I walked away.As I was walking I began to think about how much has changed in the last year.It's crazy to think about it!!I'm like a different person now.When I worked in that creche I was terrified and shy.I waited to be told what to do and I barely spoke to the other staff.I loved the kids but I was so concerned with doing things the 'right' way but not my way.I took home all of their problems and worried about some of them.I prayed for them.I prayed that they would grow up to be confident people with good values and I prayed that they had good relationships with their families when they were at home.These were things I worried about so much and it was so heart warming to see those kids with their parents today.They were happy as could be.God really answers prayer.
This time last year I was faced with my end of year exams.I didn't care how I did.I was doing the exams because I felt I had to.I felt like I was dumped in my course randomly,it was a stupid course with no career prospects.I went to college and I had a few friends but most of the relationships I had were shallow.I let my self get into the most un loving relationship I could have because I thought so little of myself.I let myself become a doormat who collected all the mud and dust from the other person while they trampled all over me.I know I was crucial to that relationship and I learned so much from it.I can see that now.I can appreciate that it helped me grow up and appreciate my own worth.I know now that I don't need someone else to make me worthwhile.That'll happen when the time is right.This year I have made some of the best friends I could ever have asked for! :)(That's not to sound cheesy,I mean it genuinely!)I feel like I've found myself and I know exactly what I stand for.
I'm now facing my exams with fear and nerves.I so badly want to do well.My course has become my life.My heart is in Deaf mode and I have a passion for helping where I can.I have been given a second chance!God has been the one to let that happen and without him it wouldn't have been possible.He found the money and he gave me the confidence to get over the initial failure and realise that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be.He made me realise that sometimes you need to be grateful for the opportunity instead of ungrateful for the mess that meant you needed him to pull you out.Sometimes God is like my armbands in the swimming pool.I know that I can't swim very well but I'm embarassed that if I wear God for all to see others will laugh,I should concentrate on the fact that I need him to keep me a float.
So I've decided that tomorrow's exam is a blessing,an opportunity to show the world that I was made to do this.A chance to prove that I'm meant to be here too!6% more,that's all I need but I don't want to scrape the barell,I want to glorify God through it all.I want him to know that I appreciate the strength and opportunity that he has given me!
'Sometimes it's the brick that made you stumble and graze your knee that you can use as a step to help you climb the wall that's in your way' :)
Also,I think this song really reflects how I'm feeling...hope you enjoy! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgovv8jWETM
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