I've taken a break from this recently but for anyone who's been asking,don't worry,I'll be back soon!!

Cabbage

The sun peeked through the window and the heat of the room felt heavy on my shoulders.I looked to the table and chopped the cabbage in front of me.Voices spoke quickly in a language I didn't understand.They raced around the room,laughs,screams,whispers.For the first time in my life I felt deaf.I could see what was happening around me but couldn't get involved.I was on the edge in a way that was a distant memory.Like a timid first year in the school corridor.I inputted nothing.I feared conforontation.Feared the unfamiliar.I just chopped the cabbage.I smiled occassionally at the young boy across from me,he smiled back but it was forced.I wondered what I was doing here.I had people with me but I felt so alone.I wondered what had become of me.I could only think about my own fear.

Chop chop chop.The wooden board rattled as the knife hit down on top of it.Romanians love cabbage and they eat it 'til there's none left.7 more awaited me but with relief I continued to chop.It was familiar,I didn't need to worry.My head filled me thought, I focused on what I had to do but couldn't help thinking of the brokeness that surrounded me.The room was full of people who were hurt,lonely,abandoned and misunderstood.The faces that surrounded me smiled but inside they were falling apart,chopped to pieces like the cabbage.They wanted a friend,someone who could help them.I doubted I was that person but I wanted so badly to be.I wanted to be the friend they were longing,the shoulder they could cry on and the adult they could confide in.Chop chop chop,many cabbages later,I was just that.I had become a part of their lives.The smiles were no longer forced and the friendships were sincere.We walked down the street hand in hand and I knew they never wanted to let go.When I tried to leave the gates three weeks later they clutched onto my waist and squeezed onto my arms.I was leaving and abandoning the role I had found.

I reached for the onion and smiled again at the young boy.He handed me a smaller knife,this time the smile not forced.I fanned my face with the closest sheet of paper and embarked on the task at hand.Chop chop chop.Water streamed from my eyes and the children laughed.Little did I know that in three weeks time they would stream in the same way but for a different reason.As I left the gates a hand grabbed onto mine,'please come back'she whispered to me.'I'll do my best'I responded,I hate having to break promises.'That's what everyone says'she cried and the tears began to stream from her face,nothing to do with the onion but from my own abandonment.

I pulled my suitcase to the car and a line of my new found friends followed behind me.They helped me lift the bags in and hugged me so that I wouldn't leave,I had to.Tears rolled down my face uncontrollably,I covered it with a smile but I could only fool myself.My layers had been stripped away and I was vulnerable.My feelings were on show and I didn't like it.The moment I had waited three weeks for was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I reluctantly closed the door of the car.Hands grabbed me through the open window.We moved and it was from then on I realised that there is nothing like the sincerity that I found in that place.Those friendships had shaped me in a way I will probably never be able to comprehend.

Fast forward 1 week from that point.I am sitting at a kitchen table.Sat across from me is a boy who was once young.I smile at him but his smile is forced.We were once good friends but there was something that tore us apart.Surrounding me are people of different backgrounds and different careers.They are all broken but in a different way.They are talking but I'm not getting involved.Their conversations are shallow and I can't help but get annoyed.Why am I here?Why am I back?How can I ever adjust back into this shallow society?Why does it matter  what man you have on your arm or what course you study in college?All I can think of is those children that I've left behind and the uncertain future that they face.I'll be fine,I have a family and friends and a potential career but they have no certainty.What am I doing here?What role do I have to play?Will I just settle back in and forget all I've learned?

In Romania I left behind 20 of the most inspiring people I have ever met.You taught me how to really love and love like Jesus did.You taught me to move away from my selfish ways and so much more that I probably havn't realised yet.I hope that I will never forget you and never give in to the shallow existance that I once lived.I hope to see you all again!

Nomi <3

Open your eyes

I can't talk in case my tongue falls out,I can't look in case you catch me.I can't think because you've clouded my mind and I can't sleep because cheesy as it is you fill my dreams.

You put a smile on my face,make my tummy feel like I've drank too much 7up.You make me concentrate on how to breath because I'm so focused on you I forget.

You make me feel like I'm 16 again,make me cringe.I can't compose myself when I'm near you.You make me do that stupid dance and you wrap your arms around me without asking.I smile and say little but on the inside I'm beaming. Your so talented and just looking at you fills me with happiness.Your fuzzy hair is soft like mine.You let me ruffle it and you never send me away.You wear silly shorts but I don't care.You wear your heart on your sleeve and draw them in the sand.You call me by name and look into my eyes when you speak. You make me happy and I'm dreading your departure.I want to tell you how I feel but I can't.I'm scared and the thought changes that 7up feeling to one of pain,like I've eaten too much pasta.I want to say it but I can't. I know you won't read this but if you ever do I want you to know you're a wonderful person!When I say little it's because I'm scared you won't like what I say.When I look at the ground and talk its because I'm afraid.Afraid of rejection again.I'm afraid you won't like me.I'm afraid you won't wrap your arms around me and you won't be interested in what I say. So,although I'll never say it I want you to know,you're the cardigan to my dress,the cherry to my bake well,the Florence to the Machine and the snow to Patrol.I know you love them and your music taste is better than mine.I know I won't forget about you but fear you might forget about me.Fb friends forever?Perhaps.I want to see you again though.Ultimately,you make me light up in a way you couldn't imagine! Xx

Sugar Lumps

Sometimes I can't help but feel that I'm being left behind.I'm running the race of life but I'm coming in behind everyone else.I've got the good runners but they're getting me nowhere,I look the part but I still can't win.Good things are happening,the path is smooth but the I hit a sharp corner,my optimism doesn't expect it and I'm down with a crash.

I don't want to be the red faced friend that rubs you on the back when you're upset but have to sit by myself when I am.I don't want to smile and sort everything out so that you can progress but know that I'll never change.I don't want to be the one who's painfully shy and sits and watches while you wrap yourself around any guy you can find.I don't want to be like that either but I don't want to sit like a wall flower in the corner,a decoration with little to give.That's what it feels like,I'm there to be looked at but nothing more.I don't want to be the joker but never the friend.I don't want to just be funny,I want to be cool.I don't want to be the lyrics,I want to be the song.I want to be pretty,not just have pretty clothes.I want to escape but something's holding me back.I want to be your friend not your rucksack,why can't you carry your own crap?!

I want to feel important,not just like every other person.I want you to run with me not miles ahead because you know I won't mind.Coming last is fine,I'll joke it off,I always do.Failing is inevitable in life,right?Everyone knows that?!I say that but sometimes I have to work hard to convince myself that it's true.

I want to surf like nobody has before,find my thing that nobody can take me down on.I wanna be great at something that's not teaching or telling people they're fantastic or writing peoples essays for which I don't get the credit.I wanna find that thing right now.I want to excel and be the one at the front of the race.

I want to be more than just the super milk that hangs in the back of the fridge.I want people to realise that nobody can have everything.It's okay to have compassion but not confidence,it's okay to love McFly and not Bon Iver.It's okay to smell like Eternity and not Chanel and it's okay to prefer John to Edward,it's okay to want to stay home and not go out.It's okay to not mind being by yourself and it's okay to go for a walk in a dress.It's okay to be the mature one sometimes and it's okay to have made mistakes,that's what I tell myself anyway?!

I want to surprise people in some way,I don't want them to become complacent with the way I am.Mostly, I wish I didn't feel that I needed people's approval.I wish I didn't care what they thought.I wish I was just running the race for fun not for competition.I wish I could say all these things to you and explain how you've upset me but I know I'd stutter.I can write for hours and I never forget where I'm going.I know I will win this race some day,when it's my time I've just gotta keep training.

Switchfoot

It's crazy how things change so much.In a good way!Without me even realising it,it is already the 12th of June.The 12th of June!!For years this was such a significant date for me,one I would always remember,even when doing my leaving.There's nothing hugely special about it but it marked a time in my life and a point in someone else's too.We can look back and laugh at it now,seemed so serious at the time.It seemed like the decisions I made when I was 16 were going to change my life forever,that the things I said were going to be so influential.Looking back now,I realise,it didn't even matter.


It's so reassuring that things can change so drastically.People move on and you realise you can live through what you thought was a broken heart.I just laugh about it now.


It gives me so much hope that I can get through this awful phase.I can tackle anything.I thought I'd never get over that particular stumbling block and I really did,I left it all behind!


So,life,whatever you have to throw at me,bring it!!

Rich Tea

It's that dry feeling in my mouth.That anxious butterfly feeling in my tummy.That up-turned lip when I look in the mirror.That empty hand when I walk down the road.It's that feeling watching movies by myself and not talking to you the whole way through.It's that frustration that makes me run on the treadmill when I won't even run to catch the bus.

It's that heart pumping feeling I get when you brush against my arm,taken away.It's that mystery in your eyes that tells me it's okay-gone.It's your stupid shoes that I pretend to like,I've realised I actually kinda do.I can never admit it though,not to your face anyway,not now anyway.I'm like a carton of Ribena with all the juice sucked out.I'm like a rich tea biscuit,plain and boring without you.

I miss your constant chatting and the way you say anything just to get me to talk.I miss our awkward hugs and the way I never know what to do.I miss that you're not a part of my life anymore.I miss our collective indecision and the way you always say Ladies first.I miss the way you hate my music but pretend you don't mind just to be polite.I miss sharing my dreams and aspirations with you,even though we both know they're so far fetched.

I miss sitting with you for hours on end,just because we can.I miss how I felt the need to look away when you leaned in towards me and the way you walked close behind me.I miss the weird things you eat and the clothes you wear that are too cool for me.

I miss that I could tell you everything.I miss that even when I was freezing you would never share your hoody and the way it would annoy me that you could be so selfish.I miss getting annoyed at you over the stupid things you do.I miss how you scrunched up your nose and said nothing when I suggested something silly.I miss how it was so unlikely that we became friends to start with.

It's that warm feeling when I see you smile-gone.It's that fuzzy feeling in my tummy,no more.It's that extra 5 mins getting ready in the morning,I now spend asleep in bed.It's knowing that you're still my best friend and I'm not yours and that sinking feeling I get.It's not bothering to charge up my phone because I know I won't hear from you.It's the longing I have for a bottle of coke,but I'm allergic to caffeine.It's my favourite navy cardigan that went missing,now I've nothing to wear with loads of my dresses,having you by my side is my favourite look.Nothing makes me feel more confident than when you're there.

84x

'Good things come to those who wait!'-yeah,that's true,but why do some people have to wait so long?I've had a pretty rough week in terms of dissapointments,usually I take them on the chin but last night I decided I'd had enough.Sometimes you've gotta just cry it out as stupid as it feels.It's okay to show that you're not a robot even when some people think you are.


I kinda feel like I've been waiting for a long time,sitting on a hard bench at a bus stop.Buses pass me by but it's never the one I want.I've got on a few of the wrong ones but before too long I'm back at the bench.I have my own little timetable,I've picked out which bus I want to come and what time I want it to come at but life doesn't work like that.I want my bus to be pink and green and flowery and full of nice people that I can chat to.I want it to come as soon as I've sat down on the bench.I've been sitting here a long time but the buses that have passed are blue and boring,they aren't going where I want to go.Sometimes a bus will stop and I'll think about getting on but spend too long trying to rummage together the funds,so long that I've missed it.It's gone and it doesn't come back.I'm patient but I don't like waiting in the rain.It's easy to sit in the sun when other good things are happening,you don't mind if the bus is a bit delayed.This week I feel like I'm sitting in the hail stones at my country bus stop,they keep pounding down on me but the bus never comes.They make my clothes damp and there is no sun to dry them off,nothing to cheer me up.


'Your life hasn't been treating you too well'-that's what my mum says.She's right but it's out of my control.I told her I feel like I'm waiting and she says I'll just have to wait a bit longer.


What am I even waiting for?A job,a licence,an answer,an escape?Do I even need all of these things?I'm waiting in the rain but maybe if I walked back home I'd see that I have everything I need?These things are what I want,what my heart is telling me I need.Should I just listen to my head instead?


I'm so grateful for the opportunities that have come my way and I know more will come soon.I have the greatest friends I could ever ask for and I know they don't care how much of an idiot I look sitting at the bus stop for hours on end.Most of them get that I'm stubborn enough not to give up.


I worry that people will become so accustomed with me never reaching my full potential.Will take for granted that I will never leave the bus stop.People will stop asking my plans because they know they will never happen.People will drive past and think that I will always be there.I worry that they won't admire my optimism but instead take me for a fool.I don't want that, I want them to know that I know God is at the bus terminus and he will send my pink flowery one when he is ready.It'll be an express one and will only stop where I need it to.It might take me somewhere I'm not planning and people I wasn't expecting might hop on.I might have to share it with people I don't want to but he'll send it all the same.While I wait I can prepare myself for what's to come.Reflect on all the good stuff!Listen to switchfoot and think about some of the ridiculous mistakes I've made and the people who have walked in and out of my life.I can think about how much these people have changed me for the better.I can appreciate that inside me there is an adventurer waiting to escape not just another boring commuter.


Hopefully while I wait I will come across other people waiting for their buses,hopefully we can be friends.Hopefully we can sit and chat and drink Ribena in the sun.Hopefully I can hear their stories and help them in some way,maybe lend them money for their fare or lend them my umbrella in the rain.


Most of all I hope while I wait that I never forget I'm not waiting by myself,my best friend is always there,His dad is working at the terminus but he's been sent to keep and eye on me.He's been sent but he wants to come.He wants to sit and listen to me moan and receive my awkward hugs.He doesn't care if my hair is all frizzy from the rain and he doesn't care how long I talk for,He'll just sit and listen.He knows how much I'm struggling but he'll carry my heavy bag when I walk home everyday when the bus hasn't shown up.He'll watch kitchen hero with me and won't care that I've no interest in the food but he'll know that ultimately he is my hero and not Donal.

'Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord' <3