Ketchup

The pigeon lolloped along the platform,like Tich Miller in that Junior cert poem.It hobbled with difficulty,one foot and one stump.It flew and it stoped,flew and stopped.Wind blew and trains past.

The wind howled and my hair moved with it.My scarf hit my face and my teeth chattered.You handed me one of your gloves and we continued to walk,arm in arm,we were just friends.

I put up my hand and said what I thought.Plucked up the courage and backed up my point.

It lolloped along.Struggled to move.Stopped for a break and cooed and cooed.

With one glove each,we were content.The definition of best friends.You grabbed my cold hand and I grabbed yours we walked along and it felt normal.

You're wrong!I said,or that's what it amounted to.Unethical.Immoral.It makes me angry!

The pigeon sat down on the bench beside me,timid and shy but I reached out to stroke it,

'Be quiet' you said,'it doesn't matter'.'Let me do the talking,just stand there and look nice'

"I'm sorry,this may sound silly' I said 'but I strongly disagree'

The pigeon just sat there and I gently stroked it's feathers,cooeing.A friend in a sense though I never admit it

you walked away angry,your face shone red.'I'm your friend not your girlfriend' was all I had said.When you finally calmed down and you pulled me in close,I never wanted it to end wanted you to always protect me.

'you see,for me,my beliefs they amount to more than that.I can't just sit back and watch things happen.We need action and change and we need it now!'

Now I never see the pigeon,I don't save it some lunch.I never carried it home with me.Trains and pigeons don't go so well together.

You were like my big brother and I miss wearing your gloves and you hoodies and jackets.Mostly I miss you!Believe it or not!I miss how you stink of smoke and our 'hugs and chats'.I can't be the same with anyone else and I hope you realise that I do care.

I continue to argue,fight for what I believe.It's all thanks to you you know,you brought me out of my shell.I miss the Pigeon and tell myself it's gone on holidays.Like you it's dissapeared,never to be seen!I miss you I do but I'm so greatful,It's only a year later that I'm realising how much I have to thank you for.Before I was like the pigeon who 'lolloped' around aimlessly.Now I'm sure of myself and what I want to say.

I hope some day we can be friends again and I hope you'll come back,I hope I find another pigeon friend and I hope I never stop disagreeing with my lecturer.

If you read this,love you Ed! x

I've taken a break from this recently but for anyone who's been asking,don't worry,I'll be back soon!!

Cabbage

The sun peeked through the window and the heat of the room felt heavy on my shoulders.I looked to the table and chopped the cabbage in front of me.Voices spoke quickly in a language I didn't understand.They raced around the room,laughs,screams,whispers.For the first time in my life I felt deaf.I could see what was happening around me but couldn't get involved.I was on the edge in a way that was a distant memory.Like a timid first year in the school corridor.I inputted nothing.I feared conforontation.Feared the unfamiliar.I just chopped the cabbage.I smiled occassionally at the young boy across from me,he smiled back but it was forced.I wondered what I was doing here.I had people with me but I felt so alone.I wondered what had become of me.I could only think about my own fear.

Chop chop chop.The wooden board rattled as the knife hit down on top of it.Romanians love cabbage and they eat it 'til there's none left.7 more awaited me but with relief I continued to chop.It was familiar,I didn't need to worry.My head filled me thought, I focused on what I had to do but couldn't help thinking of the brokeness that surrounded me.The room was full of people who were hurt,lonely,abandoned and misunderstood.The faces that surrounded me smiled but inside they were falling apart,chopped to pieces like the cabbage.They wanted a friend,someone who could help them.I doubted I was that person but I wanted so badly to be.I wanted to be the friend they were longing,the shoulder they could cry on and the adult they could confide in.Chop chop chop,many cabbages later,I was just that.I had become a part of their lives.The smiles were no longer forced and the friendships were sincere.We walked down the street hand in hand and I knew they never wanted to let go.When I tried to leave the gates three weeks later they clutched onto my waist and squeezed onto my arms.I was leaving and abandoning the role I had found.

I reached for the onion and smiled again at the young boy.He handed me a smaller knife,this time the smile not forced.I fanned my face with the closest sheet of paper and embarked on the task at hand.Chop chop chop.Water streamed from my eyes and the children laughed.Little did I know that in three weeks time they would stream in the same way but for a different reason.As I left the gates a hand grabbed onto mine,'please come back'she whispered to me.'I'll do my best'I responded,I hate having to break promises.'That's what everyone says'she cried and the tears began to stream from her face,nothing to do with the onion but from my own abandonment.

I pulled my suitcase to the car and a line of my new found friends followed behind me.They helped me lift the bags in and hugged me so that I wouldn't leave,I had to.Tears rolled down my face uncontrollably,I covered it with a smile but I could only fool myself.My layers had been stripped away and I was vulnerable.My feelings were on show and I didn't like it.The moment I had waited three weeks for was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I reluctantly closed the door of the car.Hands grabbed me through the open window.We moved and it was from then on I realised that there is nothing like the sincerity that I found in that place.Those friendships had shaped me in a way I will probably never be able to comprehend.

Fast forward 1 week from that point.I am sitting at a kitchen table.Sat across from me is a boy who was once young.I smile at him but his smile is forced.We were once good friends but there was something that tore us apart.Surrounding me are people of different backgrounds and different careers.They are all broken but in a different way.They are talking but I'm not getting involved.Their conversations are shallow and I can't help but get annoyed.Why am I here?Why am I back?How can I ever adjust back into this shallow society?Why does it matter  what man you have on your arm or what course you study in college?All I can think of is those children that I've left behind and the uncertain future that they face.I'll be fine,I have a family and friends and a potential career but they have no certainty.What am I doing here?What role do I have to play?Will I just settle back in and forget all I've learned?

In Romania I left behind 20 of the most inspiring people I have ever met.You taught me how to really love and love like Jesus did.You taught me to move away from my selfish ways and so much more that I probably havn't realised yet.I hope that I will never forget you and never give in to the shallow existance that I once lived.I hope to see you all again!

Nomi <3

Open your eyes

I can't talk in case my tongue falls out,I can't look in case you catch me.I can't think because you've clouded my mind and I can't sleep because cheesy as it is you fill my dreams.

You put a smile on my face,make my tummy feel like I've drank too much 7up.You make me concentrate on how to breath because I'm so focused on you I forget.

You make me feel like I'm 16 again,make me cringe.I can't compose myself when I'm near you.You make me do that stupid dance and you wrap your arms around me without asking.I smile and say little but on the inside I'm beaming. Your so talented and just looking at you fills me with happiness.Your fuzzy hair is soft like mine.You let me ruffle it and you never send me away.You wear silly shorts but I don't care.You wear your heart on your sleeve and draw them in the sand.You call me by name and look into my eyes when you speak. You make me happy and I'm dreading your departure.I want to tell you how I feel but I can't.I'm scared and the thought changes that 7up feeling to one of pain,like I've eaten too much pasta.I want to say it but I can't. I know you won't read this but if you ever do I want you to know you're a wonderful person!When I say little it's because I'm scared you won't like what I say.When I look at the ground and talk its because I'm afraid.Afraid of rejection again.I'm afraid you won't like me.I'm afraid you won't wrap your arms around me and you won't be interested in what I say. So,although I'll never say it I want you to know,you're the cardigan to my dress,the cherry to my bake well,the Florence to the Machine and the snow to Patrol.I know you love them and your music taste is better than mine.I know I won't forget about you but fear you might forget about me.Fb friends forever?Perhaps.I want to see you again though.Ultimately,you make me light up in a way you couldn't imagine! Xx

Sugar Lumps

Sometimes I can't help but feel that I'm being left behind.I'm running the race of life but I'm coming in behind everyone else.I've got the good runners but they're getting me nowhere,I look the part but I still can't win.Good things are happening,the path is smooth but the I hit a sharp corner,my optimism doesn't expect it and I'm down with a crash.

I don't want to be the red faced friend that rubs you on the back when you're upset but have to sit by myself when I am.I don't want to smile and sort everything out so that you can progress but know that I'll never change.I don't want to be the one who's painfully shy and sits and watches while you wrap yourself around any guy you can find.I don't want to be like that either but I don't want to sit like a wall flower in the corner,a decoration with little to give.That's what it feels like,I'm there to be looked at but nothing more.I don't want to be the joker but never the friend.I don't want to just be funny,I want to be cool.I don't want to be the lyrics,I want to be the song.I want to be pretty,not just have pretty clothes.I want to escape but something's holding me back.I want to be your friend not your rucksack,why can't you carry your own crap?!

I want to feel important,not just like every other person.I want you to run with me not miles ahead because you know I won't mind.Coming last is fine,I'll joke it off,I always do.Failing is inevitable in life,right?Everyone knows that?!I say that but sometimes I have to work hard to convince myself that it's true.

I want to surf like nobody has before,find my thing that nobody can take me down on.I wanna be great at something that's not teaching or telling people they're fantastic or writing peoples essays for which I don't get the credit.I wanna find that thing right now.I want to excel and be the one at the front of the race.

I want to be more than just the super milk that hangs in the back of the fridge.I want people to realise that nobody can have everything.It's okay to have compassion but not confidence,it's okay to love McFly and not Bon Iver.It's okay to smell like Eternity and not Chanel and it's okay to prefer John to Edward,it's okay to want to stay home and not go out.It's okay to not mind being by yourself and it's okay to go for a walk in a dress.It's okay to be the mature one sometimes and it's okay to have made mistakes,that's what I tell myself anyway?!

I want to surprise people in some way,I don't want them to become complacent with the way I am.Mostly, I wish I didn't feel that I needed people's approval.I wish I didn't care what they thought.I wish I was just running the race for fun not for competition.I wish I could say all these things to you and explain how you've upset me but I know I'd stutter.I can write for hours and I never forget where I'm going.I know I will win this race some day,when it's my time I've just gotta keep training.

Switchfoot

It's crazy how things change so much.In a good way!Without me even realising it,it is already the 12th of June.The 12th of June!!For years this was such a significant date for me,one I would always remember,even when doing my leaving.There's nothing hugely special about it but it marked a time in my life and a point in someone else's too.We can look back and laugh at it now,seemed so serious at the time.It seemed like the decisions I made when I was 16 were going to change my life forever,that the things I said were going to be so influential.Looking back now,I realise,it didn't even matter.


It's so reassuring that things can change so drastically.People move on and you realise you can live through what you thought was a broken heart.I just laugh about it now.


It gives me so much hope that I can get through this awful phase.I can tackle anything.I thought I'd never get over that particular stumbling block and I really did,I left it all behind!


So,life,whatever you have to throw at me,bring it!!

Rich Tea

It's that dry feeling in my mouth.That anxious butterfly feeling in my tummy.That up-turned lip when I look in the mirror.That empty hand when I walk down the road.It's that feeling watching movies by myself and not talking to you the whole way through.It's that frustration that makes me run on the treadmill when I won't even run to catch the bus.

It's that heart pumping feeling I get when you brush against my arm,taken away.It's that mystery in your eyes that tells me it's okay-gone.It's your stupid shoes that I pretend to like,I've realised I actually kinda do.I can never admit it though,not to your face anyway,not now anyway.I'm like a carton of Ribena with all the juice sucked out.I'm like a rich tea biscuit,plain and boring without you.

I miss your constant chatting and the way you say anything just to get me to talk.I miss our awkward hugs and the way I never know what to do.I miss that you're not a part of my life anymore.I miss our collective indecision and the way you always say Ladies first.I miss the way you hate my music but pretend you don't mind just to be polite.I miss sharing my dreams and aspirations with you,even though we both know they're so far fetched.

I miss sitting with you for hours on end,just because we can.I miss how I felt the need to look away when you leaned in towards me and the way you walked close behind me.I miss the weird things you eat and the clothes you wear that are too cool for me.

I miss that I could tell you everything.I miss that even when I was freezing you would never share your hoody and the way it would annoy me that you could be so selfish.I miss getting annoyed at you over the stupid things you do.I miss how you scrunched up your nose and said nothing when I suggested something silly.I miss how it was so unlikely that we became friends to start with.

It's that warm feeling when I see you smile-gone.It's that fuzzy feeling in my tummy,no more.It's that extra 5 mins getting ready in the morning,I now spend asleep in bed.It's knowing that you're still my best friend and I'm not yours and that sinking feeling I get.It's not bothering to charge up my phone because I know I won't hear from you.It's the longing I have for a bottle of coke,but I'm allergic to caffeine.It's my favourite navy cardigan that went missing,now I've nothing to wear with loads of my dresses,having you by my side is my favourite look.Nothing makes me feel more confident than when you're there.